Unwrapping the gift

Ok so this is not going to be like the other blogs as I am doing it a bit different. I feel what with everything I have been experiencing I just want to share some songs and poems I have written. I have had a very hard few months been knocked around all over the place and am currently having a complete crisis of faith. I have never had this before I always knew things, now I find myself not knowing anything at all. All things that come are a gift even if they seem like the worst present anyone could ever give you, they are still a gift you just gotta pass the parcel with it for a long time, peeling back all the layers of sand paper, fire, pain, barbed wire, thorns and gravel etc to get to the softer things like silk and velvet til you reach the end and the surprise within - the gift. I feel I have been unwrapping this current gift for so long its all a blur to me now, yet still I unwrap the layers through emotions being let out via crying, hitting pillows, writing songs and poems, letters and just writing it all out.

I just want to share this that Doreen Virtue wrote:

Trust, even if your future seems uncertain.
Trust, even if you have no idea how your situation could ever improve.
Trust, even if you feel alone and abandoned.
Trust, even if your heart is shattered.
Trust, because your strength comes from trusting that everything always gets better with time, that miracles do occur, and that prayers are answered in illogical ways.
Trust, because we need you to continue living and shining your light, and a lot of people love and depend upon you.
Trust, because God loves you for who you are right now and has a wonderful plan in works for you that you can't yet see or feel . . . but you soon will. Don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle!
Trust.

This really struck a cord in me. I have been hurting for a while now because I took a risk and allowed myself to love someone, allowed myself to really want to let this person in and share with them a great friendship with maybe something more down the line but even if that never happened it was the act of letting that person in. He brought down the walls in me I put up 9yrs ago when I had that same compulsion to let this other man in and he hurt me in such a cruel way telling me I was not a good person not good to be around. Then I let in this wonderful man 9yrs later who feels so easy to talk to, we have a lot in common, he genuinely seems to care and he turns out to be just like the last making me feel like Nathaneal was right about me, I am not a good person.

I have had the worst time been to A and E three times in the last two weeks with injuries, I got concussed when I fell off a horse, got hit it head again at work then before all this I nearly broke my hand and ended last year with the whole of 2011 falling out my arse! I keep waiting for the hidden camera to pop out and say 'it's all one big joke' But it's not all the physical injuries that are causing me the most discomfort , it's what that person said to me that I keep coming back to. Part of me knows he has his own set of issues that he projected upon me from his own back catalogue of 'Things to resist' I know I resisited what I felt for him as I did not want to fall in love I did not want to let another man in in that way, to show him my light just to have him do what nat did, but he did it anyway except this time he also told me to relax. In fact he kept repeating it throughout conversations we have had : Go with the flow, Relax, don't be so harsh with yourself. So how can someone who would say all these beautiful things (and even hug me after he had said the horrible stuff) also say the most hurtful. I took a risk I wanted to finally say to him how I felt how much I cared about him I didn't want the feelings I felt to get in the way anymore. I just wanted to know if we were mates or more and it did not warrent his reaction. I have never seen somone so annoyed at receiving a letter that tells them they are cared for. you'd have thought I had insulted his mother and punched him in the groin. It made me feel, what in me is so repulsive to men? why when I love I am treated like shit and i make them uncomfortable? I don't think I will ever understand. Hence the still unwrapping of this worst present in the entire world. Been unwrapping it since November and it don't look like am anywhere near the end.

Before I share this journey in song and poem with you I will say I was scared to write about this as it is so personal but I need to share this. I need someone else to know. Sometimes we can't just share our discomfort with just ourselves we need to release it into the arms of the world in the hope that some modicum of good can come of this mess, maybe someone reading this feels the same or can take comfort in the lyrics or poems perhaps heal some of their own pain, or discomfort. So here I am baring this to you all.

This is the Journey from beginning to where I am now in Song and Poem. :

Room to grow

You have changed my life
I don't think you realise all the little things you have attributed.
You have been there
there's always been a piece of you in every face I see and every word I write.
I know it may sound strange but you have changed my life.

You have changed me
beyond skin and bone, all the anonymous ways you have touched my soul.
You have healed me
with just the touch of your hand or your arms holding me tight while you kiss my crown and we talk about what I don't want to talk about.
I know it might sound out of the blue but dearheart I feel so much love for you.

Chorus

it feels like love but it looks like rain
You feel like home, in your arms I could stay
there's a humbling sound from deep within my soul
you give my heart room to grow.

You have changed my mind
by showing me a man can be kind
You have changed the way I am
with all the softness you bring out of me all the pink and vulnerability.
I know it might sound crazy but you do amaze me

You have changed my view
from black and gray I see Technicolor
You have changed what I believe
with all the feelings I can't help but feel all this love for you.
I know it might sound odd but it feels like you've been sent by God.

Chorus

This could still be in my head
I could still be asleep dreaming in bed
and I'm afraid of waking up to the realisation
you are just another broken piece that I cannot fix.

There's a quiet somewhere deep inside
tells me you could be right
after so much rejection I don't know how to believe
that you could love a girl like me
you may never know how you have changed me.

Chorus


The Dance

I will sing for you
I will fill the space with pretty noise
I will bare my soul for you
I will show you my masterpiece
Then we can dance

I will write you a sonnet
I will paint you all the colours of love
I will let you close enough to touch my spirit with your warm light
Then we can dance

Chorus

Promise me you will still be here after the winter's gone
Promise me you will let me stay forever in your arms
Promise me that these storms won't drive us apart
Promise me there's a place for me in your heart

I will trust in you and all you stand for
I will accept all your parts the light and the dark
I will share my secrets with you
Then we can dance

I will paint my heart for you
I will send up a flare to show you where I am
I will let you kiss every inch of skin
Then we can dance

Chorus

Say you will stay even if I seem afraid
Say you won't leave even if I push you away
Say you will be there with open arms ready for me to run
hold me close keep me safe from harm
Say you are ready to dance.....

Chorus x2

oh say there's a place for me in your heart
oh say that you are ready to dance
oh say there is a place for us.....


All these years

I was a child, wandering, this life unguarded, how was I, to know, you were the one who walked beside me. Entwining fingers through mine, so gentle I hardly felt it. You never left me alone.
I was a gypsy, always looking for exists, how was I, to know, you were the gravity keeping me here. Pulling me in each time I tried to run, so strong I couldn't ignore it. You never left me alone.

Chorus

All these years I was searching for something
All these years I was lost
All these years I dreamed of this love
and now you're here I know.

I was a sailor, searching, the world for answers, how was I, to know, you were the one who'd finally understand me. Matching minds & reflections, so revealing I hardly expected it. You never left me alone.
I was a fighter, always on the defensive, how was I, to know, you were the peace calming me like water. Bringing me back to the ground each time I ascended, so loving I couldn't catch my breath. You never left me alone.

Chorus

But you don't remember me yet
you don't know what I know
You don't see what I see
You don't believe.
You don't want what I want
You aren't there yet
You say you don't want to rush
You say you aren't ready for that friendship
I cannot be who you want me to be
You can't be what I need you to be
I've been making too much noise
It's time to turn the sound right down.

Chorus

Chorus 2

All these years I spent circling my island
All these years I was alone
All these years I dreamed they'd come a moment like this
and now you're here. I'm home
You'll never know.

Dusk is Dawn

Lets get out of our skin
slip into oblivion
ah-ha, ah-ha
Lets undress the words we say
read between the light and shade
ah-ha, ah-ha

Fit bewtween the earth and moon
delicate thoughts of me and you
ah-ha, ah-ha
Open waters, fields to run
laying upon grass basking in the sun
ah-ha, ah-ha

Chorus

and the tides are changing
da-da-da-dax4
and the times are perseuading
da-da-da-dax4
and life is moving on
til the dusk in dawn

Let's pretend, make-believe
dance into a daydream
ah-ha, ah-ha
Lets peel back all the paint
get out of each others way
ah-ha, ah-ha

Fit inside a box so small
precious diamonds from our souls
ah-ha, ah-ha
open hearts, songs to sing
Soul-Gazing with you the joy it brings
ah-ha, ah-ha

Chorus

it's not over
the cycle will begin again
it's not over
entwining lovers and faithfull friends
it's not over
rain will fall the sun will shine
it's not over
again and again we fall into each others lives

Chorus

til the dusk in dawn

ah-ha, ah-ha,ah-ha, ah-ha x4

China:

I've been hiding all my tears
I've been hiding all my fears
I've been hiding all these years
I wanted to reveal all to you

I've been broken by every man
I've been to hell and back
I've been hoping someone would finally understand
and want me too

Chorus:

I've got all this love for you and nowhere for it to go
I feel all this love for you and there's nowhere for it to go.

I've been hiding all my light
I've been hiding all my power
I've been hiding all this time
I wanted you to see the woman I am

I've been afraid to trust
I've been afraid to be intimate
I've been hoping one day I would be enough
and you'd finally notice me.

Chorus:

I am not Ok
though I now it won't last forever
I am not Ok
though I know it won't last.x2

Chorus:

Leap frog

I took a leap and fell
I picked up all the dust from many years past
I took it into my clothes I didn't want to waste any
I felt the Pacific, Indian and Atlantic oceans fall from my eyes
I made new oceans on the carpet and in my hands
I threw my arms back letting the waters engulf me
I didn't care that God and the angels could see
that all my loved ones could watch me lay myself bare and raw
I just knew I didn't care and that was enough for me

I took a leap and fell
I saw the same view from a hundred lifetimes back
I collected all the pictures I didn't want to leave a thing out
I saw all the faces, old, young, lovers, haters broken pieces shaking within
I made new pictures from the leftovers
I punched out the anger into pillows and unleashed my screams
I didn't care that I felt violence and shame
that I detached from my mind as my fists pummelled silk and cotton
I just knew I was angry and that was enough for me

I took a leap and fell
it hurt like all the other times
I finally stopped believing in anyone
and I began to believe in myself
I reached into nothing and pulled back a spark

I took a leap and fell
it hurt and I will do it again until the day comes where I soar

Divine Love

I stood there facing the ocean
a golden ball of light blazed above in a silver sky
I felt the heat of Divine Love tingle my skin
I warmed up and I beamed a smile so wide

I knew I could stay here forever
basking in light and love
I knew that dreams were real here
I felt my foot step forward

I entered the white lovelight and I saw a giant circle
All my friends and family were there,
people I work with even people I have not met
They all held hands seemed so happy and at peace
There was a space between two familiar faces
I stared from my place outside

I stood there frozen to the spot
a fear in my belly suddenly forgetting how to move
I heard the old tapes playing inside my head
I felt the crippling self-doubt
I felt a sadness wanting so much to join in but feeling unwelcome

Then I see it
by my side a guardian angel hand on my shoulder
I feel the love pour in.
I feel supported
Then a familiar face calls to me
He tells me 'I'm sorry. It's ok' and he smiles
he holds out his hand as does the other familiar face
she knows me best she makes me laugh.

I feel my feet glide towards the outstretched hands
As I hold them I feel a surge of electricity
It connects me to them, to the entire circle
I no longer feel alone and separated
I am one
We are all one
Joined by this divine love that moves through us all.


Berlin

With a touch you brought down the Berlin Wall
I was left exposed for all the world to see
Without a sound I heard my heart beat
The music shocked me.

With ten words you broke the china in my hands
I was humiliated , so ashamed I hid my eyes
The pain of your thorned words bled me dry
I cried and I cried and you believed all was fine.

Chorus:

You said I made you uncomfortable
You said such hurtful things to me
All those times your arms gave me comfort
All those times we talked like water and laughed like the breeze
You once said you cared about me
You once said you loved that I was an open book
You once said we get on like a house on fire
Then you took a breath and the wind changed
Things will never be the same.

With one hug you pulled me back into my body
I was there for the first time on the ground
Without warning I felt love jump up in me
The feeling threw me completely

With one reaction you undid all the good you had done
I was left hanging above a familiar landscape
The rejection was not what I expected
I thought we were at least friends
I hurt and I keep hurting
You don't know how hard I am trying

Chorus:

With just one look I saw something in you
With just a letter I tried to tell you
Instead of receiving my words with the love they were sent
You turned them inside out without ever knowing what I meant.

I see how other girls talk to you how I did, what's the difference?
All I did was have love for you tell me what's so bad?
I never deserved those hurtful things you said.

all the other times they left I never had to see them again
you're still there, I told you I don't handle this very well

Chorus:

I feel the walls holding it all in
don't know if they will ever come down again
I hope one day I heal all these wounds
and find someone that loves me too
I once I believed it could be you.

A Change is gonna Come.....

There is a lot of same patterns in the world today. There are still people starting wars with each other, raping the earth of its natural resources and inflicting such cruelty upon all the animals that inhabit the earth. This planet has been on a cycle of suffering and fear for millennia. We have now reached our crescendo here in the 21st century. Now is the time where enough of the human race are willing to take a stand and pioneer these changes that have been trying to manifest over the centuries.

Many of you may or may not know the paranoia surrounding 2012 - it's the end of the world, so they say. Apparently the Mayan's stopping writing the calendar constitutes as the end of all creation on this planet. Did it not occur to anyone that perhaps the Mayan's just stopped writing the calendar, they looked around, thought " Wow, here we have been head stuck in numbers and measuring time there is a big world out there damnit, let's explore! " So down went the pen - Quill - whatever they wrote with and out they went into the big wide world to see what they have been missing, rising up and ascending to new heights. Forward hundreds of years later some stuffy scholar sees the end of the calendar, ensue panic (insert your chosen disaster movie scene here) all for nothing. It goes to show that a) the Mayan's realised something pretty profound and b) we like a good panic - Y2K anyone?! Great Change is coming in 2012, a cosmic shift. A new cycle is beginning, one that promotes great Love where there was once great fear.

Fundamentally as human beings we resist change. It's habit. We use the same brand of products, go to the same restaurants to eat, the same shops to buy our clothes. Yet change is inevitable. We experience it throughout our lives - we began our journey's as tiny embryo's all amorphous til we begin to form into what resembles a peanut with bits sticking out, then further change sees us become babies. Then once we are born we grow up, learning to talk, walk, read, right etc we do not fight these changes as how can we fight them, it's a natural progression. No one was born fearing change , fearing change is something we all learn. Some changes can be shocking, the loss of a loved one as an example. Yet even the most painful of changes can yield such healing and an opportunity to go deeper into our well within, experiencing new levels of wonderment in our lives.

Imagine on a singular level all the changes you go through in your life and how overwhelming it can feel: the bone-crunching terror, the soul-raw grief, the broken record of worry and doubt, the dizzy panic. All that negative stuff effects us physically and emotionally, we get sick to our stomach from so much worry and fear. Now imagine everyone in the world's own feelings of this all culminating into one magnanimous mass that bleeds back into the earth through every action taken and every breathe breathed, every single worry and piece of fear is like a weed growing inside the earth's core Now imagine all the joy you feel in life, the sweetness of love, the birdsong - laughter, the times you catch yourself overflowing with gratitude, the times you stand in your power realising you are the sun, the stars, the moon and every single drop of rain. Now imagine everyone in the world's own feelings of this all culminating into one spherical ball of multicoloured energy, see this entering the earth and how all this love creates a sense of great harmony within the world and a profound sense that we are all one, all part of the same infinite divine love To create change cosmically we first must seek what needs to change within ourselves individually. The more each of us turns to face our own inner storms, breaking down the patterns and habits til all that's left is your divinity, your own sacredness, the more we can change what is happening globally

Everyone has light within them, imagine it's like your own personal Sun, getting brighter and brighter the more you realise and allow these changes to happen, to welcome all the parts of you that are within the space: the good, the bad and the downright ugly. We are each an important puzzle piece and the more we let our suns burn brightly the easier it is to see the outward manifestations of change within our world. . Every fear is just the child within us crying out to be heard and loved. Globally, as I mentioned, sheer panic has been the main focal point of the human race for many millennia. The Ego has reigned supreme for generations. Gradually now, the highest Self we have is rising to the surface in many. Great change is occurring, not just in individuals lives but planetary too. . Part of the great change comes in the form of Natural Disasters: The Earth is shifting and changing as are We, as She changes and begins releasing from Her core We are all affected by it as is She affected by Us and our own personal changes. . There is great beauty in the world also, we see this as we look at the greatest works of art in Nature that mother earth has created, in every birth we witness and the miracles that are born from such tragedy.

In my own life I have become aware of how much I have changed not just in appearance but inwardly too. Very recently I experienced grief which is one of the more unpleasant changes we all go though in our lives. Alfie my sister and her fiancé's cat, who myself and my parents often looked after, was run over and killed. When my mum told me I was overcome with such grief the likes of which I have not experienced since I lost my beloved grandmother 10 years ago. I sobbed from the core of me and was screaming in utter shock and pain. The change I became aware of was that I allowed this grief to be fully expressed. With my grandma I held it in for a good year before the gates opened and it all came flooding out in one world-crushing torrent. This time I heard a voice in my head gently say let it all out, don't hold it in, let it go. I also heard the same voice when I had been saying how I did not like this grief say who does? no one likes grief, no one likes to be sad it's just part of life. Who's judging? I realised that after all this inner work I have finally reached a place where this tragic thing had happened and as much as I was feeling the stages of grief I also was observing these feelings with a peace that I retained throughout the inaudible sobbing and soul deep sadness, a profound knowingness that I would be ok. Goes to show that Change creeps up on you and you may not realise it has happened but sure enough you experience something that shows you, you have.

For those that wonder 'how do I change' or cannot even believe it makes a difference what one person does I offer this: go outside, walk out your front door and look around you. Notice everything.

It's the simple things in life like seeing a bird in flight, watching the blossom get carried through the air by a light breeze or how the sunlight falls in a space creating a magical way of viewing such an ordinary place or object. These are the things that mean so much. We spend our lives always one step ahead thinking we will somehow miss out on something if we don't keep skipping steps. When in actuality we are missing out on so much by skipping those steps in a rush to get to some proverbial finish line where we imagine we will be who we want to be, where we want to be with all those things we dreamed. When we need to realise that we already are who we want to be and we have everything we could ever need. When we come into the present moment it is there and only there that we can truly see ourselves and the world and begin to really make the changes we need to and see them come to life.

When I hear about fighting amongst cities, countries and individuals I always think if they were to just stop, lay down all arms and go out their front door they would notice that flower that has always been there gently dancing in the breeze, they'd see the bird in flight or how if you stop and look you can see each separate drop of rain touch the ground. And they would know that here in the present moment there is no hatred, no fear, just Love: only Love and no one would ever pick up a weapon; be it an object or a fist or negative words. Call me an idealist, romanticist, say "it's easier said than done" but I challenge you to try it. Next time you feel angry, sad etc or are resisting something: Stop. Just Stop. Be Still, close your eyes for a moment, Breathe In and Open Your Eyes and look at your surroundings: I mean really look and notice what is different.

Ghandi was the one who said "Be the change you seek in the world" such wise words. So Dear Ones go Be the Change you are seeking. Don't wait, don't doubt, just Leap into Life and know you are always in safe hands.

Till next time x

Mandy

The Authentic Self: the Art of Giving and Receiving

My initial intention was to write one blog a month. There has been so much chaos hurtling around me and through me I have not been able to put pen to page till now. Even now I am unsure of how clear I can write. This will be another uber-blog so buckle in : )

I have been on somewhat of a spiritual detox over the last few months with so much coming out and so many new discoveries. I apologise if this blog is not as fluid as others I have written. It mirrors my experience over the last few months lots of stops and starts. I've been experiencing so many triggers since late December it's been like dodging bullets trying to avoid a direct hit. Sometimes one gets me off guard and it's like 'oh crap, now I gotta deal with it'. The biggest triggers have been to do with love, trust and acceptance which has got me thinking a lot about what it truly means to be authentic and learning to allow myself to give and receive from a healthier, balanced place. Trusting in my own intuition again as well as the people that are around me.

Trust is hard once you have had your trust broken you cannot even comprehend how you will ever trust again. I spent so long believing in things and people that were nothing but illusion. I got profoundly disappointed time and time again til I was filled with complete disillusionment in my experience. I stopped trusting myself and those around me especially men. there's these lyrics to this song by Kendall Payne they speak the truth for me she sings in her song 'Belonging'

" When you’ve been wounded, deeply wounded by a friend
You wonder when, if ever, you will trust again
When you’ve been broken, deeply broken by a man
You wonder when, if ever, you will love again"

Truth is I have been here for such a long time in this place of hurt and distrust I forgot that I ever felt empowered and loved to begin with.

I've been led on so many paths lately. I have felt change grab me by the collar and yank me in different directions. I was all set to start up my Angel Guidance readings and Reiki business when I got this job as an actress. Now this was a dream to get to act every day. I felt so blessed. Since I have been working in this job the last 3 months I have felt I have neglected my spiritual side. I haven't done a reading for anyone I just can't seem to focus. All I see is work. It occurred to me that I was going to avoid my acting by setting up the Reiki and readings. As I am meant to be both creative and spiritual in this lifetime. This job came for me to finally embrace my creative self equally as I have embraced my spiritual self. After all they are both two sides of the same coin. I have even been faced with all the left over fears about my spiritual gifts by working at The London Dungeons as an actress. It's not exactly the best of places for someone like me as the building itself has spirits. So I must be either a glutton for punishment or completely stupid to be working there but hey I love how the universe can know you better then you know yourself and put you in the places you need to be in order to achieve what you need to. This entire experience has been filled with so much learning. I have been releasing eons of old patterns and beliefs, they have shifted in waves of such darkness and fear when once have passed leave behind the most peaceful of beaches.

One of the major things I have discovered is that we are both children of the earth and children of the sky. We all came from the oneness into existence here on earth ; believing we were separate when in fact we never lose our connection. We are all having individual experiences within the context of Infinite Love. The illusions we create of separateness is so that we can experience all we are not so that we may find our way back to all that we are and the oneness from whence we came. It's like what Neale Donald Walsh wrote in his 'Conversations with God' books . We are up there in the Infinite Love and we decide what we would like to experience and who we wish to be in this incarnation. Then we get everything in place all the souls who will help us achieve what we have set out to and off we go into the tunnel. Once in our physical bodies we begin to forget everything we chose as all the things that are not us and not what we want come into our space filling us with so called Darkness. It's this so called Darkness that allows us to remember who we chose to be and why we are here. Now being earthbound can be difficult. I know I have found it very hard to be on this planet. I did this amazing birthing ritual with Sobonfu Somé who is this incredible lady from a tribe in Africa who teaches people their rituals. One of her gifts is she knows and understands the reasons behind peoples births. I was always ill as a child I had ear infections (which was caused by my being sensitive to spirits and angels even at such a young age) I had umpteen operations, broke my arm, had lots of fevers etc. It turns out this was coz my spirit was looking for a way out. It was such a revelation one that made me feel like finally I understood what was going on. I am still learning to properly ground myself. When we are too much earth or too much sky it causes imbalance which can come in many forms. I am sure you've all heard the expression : he/she's got their head in the clouds. It's when you find yourself unable to focus, daydreaming, getting carried away like some fairytale princess by her white knight. Your 'Away with the faeries' 'on cloud 9'. What has happened is you have floated up out your body and are walking around completely ungrounded. Also some foods and drinks : alcohol, caffine, sugar, any drugs, harsh conditions and energies around you can all unground you, even electrical appliances like TV's, computers. You can feel dizzy and unfocused like you're not in your body. You can also feel too heavy and cluttered in your head. I have realised that to be grounded is not just having your feet planted firmly rooted in the earth but also to be connected to the oneness in the sky. To have the stability and security of the earth and the freedom of the sky.

Another major discovery has been my throat chakra opening up and wanting to be heard. My voice has been stifled. I have been afraid to speak up. I spent so long having an attitude of letting others go first and letting them shine and have their say while I stayed in the background. To speak up and hear my own voice even when it is through these blogs it shocks me. I suppose that's what these blogs are teaching me, they are helping me find my voice.

Everybody wants to be seen and heard. We all have a part of us that screams for the whole world to be still and notice that we are here. Sometimes this voice is so loud it creates an imbalance in one of two ways: either you become someone who is loud and gregarious demanding attention totally a 'MeMeMe' or you swing round the other way to become the one who pleases others in the hope they will see you, you berate yourself and can be desperate and needy. All you need do is to listen to what your voice is saying, how old are you? any feelings or memories there?. My voice is three year old me she screams that she doesn't want to be hidden anymore, she wants to come play in the light. I have been doing all I can to make it so.

From the screaming voice I have learnt that I have that body dysmorphia . I cannot see my own beauty at all. I honest to god look in the mirror and see this ugly, fat monster. It's crazy! I know I am not these things as my friends say how lovely I am. This fear to been seen has created this disguise. Behind the glass I cannot see what others see I only see what the ego tells me in the shape of those negative thoughts and put-downs. Especially when I have feelings for a guy oh my ego has a field day 'who'd want me? Of course he is not interested in you' etc so I just stay silent afraid of being rejected . I am thankful I am aware enough to know the truth of things and that is I am willing to see my own beauty. I am willing to know that we are all loved regardless of what others may or may not feel for us. I think we all have this dysmorphia in some shape or form. We all want to be thin enough, more attractive, we all have that voice that is screaming abuse at us on a daily basis. It takes a lot of practice to shut it up. I am still having to on a daily basis catch these thoughts before they manifest fully and replace them with something more loving. Some days are easier than others. Whenever we are tired or not 100% the ego gets in there with all its negative thoughts it will go to the past find that similar experience and tell you over and over again that 'this will happen'. When we are feeling good and grounded filled with faith in ourselves the ego cannot touch us it cannot take control. The important thing is patience., patience to allow thing to rise and fall, going with the flow of life.

Now I know everyone wants a quick fix for things we live in a society where everything is fast paced and instant. At the touch of a button you can get a hot drink, heat up a meal, call someone, find information on anything. To have to 'do it the old fashioned way' getting down and dirty in the mess to dig around for what you are searching for is far less appealing then pressing a magic button and 'TADA!' instant solution. It's like choosing to be love does not necessarily create a quick fix to feeling and experiencing love it just brings you opportunities to keep choosing love knowing the more you choose it the more the darkness will fade and the light will fully be realized within your being. You gotta listen to those thoughts and see which ones keep repeating. Then you gotta go through fifty feet of crap to get to the next level then another fifty feet etc till you get to the root, the core. One seed creates lots of other branches of other thoughts connected to this one core one. I am no more damaged or broken than anyone else. Every person is flawed in some way we've all seen some horror and been broken beyond repair but what we don't realize is that's what makes us beautiful.

I want to share with you this quote by Eleanor Roosevelt:

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.”

And you can. You will. it really does get easier as it goes along. It's simple just keep choosing the highest good for you and everyone, keep opening up to the divine love that is within you.

Another powerful lesson is that of learning to rely on others. I always do everything myself I never ask for help, never expect anything from anyone . It was a note I received from Mike Tooley who has this amazing website that sends you 'notes from the universe' each day. Well this particular one said:

"Just curious, Mandy Lee, but when was the last time you relied upon me? You know, consciously realized you weren't alone as you went about your daily affairs, choosing a path, finding a parking space, or a new friend, or a great idea... and expected, at least, a little something?
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
Well, let's just say we do it more often.
and Mandy Lee, let there be no day you greet, no room you walk into, no street you drive upon, no plane you fly, no boardroom you rally, no mountain you climb, no parking lot, dance floor, beer hall, or Jacuzzi you frequent, that you don't consciously realize you aren't alone, and expect a little something.

K?
The Universe"

It got me thinking how I never let anyone do anything for me, oh I can do for others I can give like you wouldn't believe it's so easy. Now receiving on the other hand is another kettle of fish. I seem to put a cap upon all the good stuff it's like I can only get x amount a month. But I don't put a cap on the unpleasant stuff. I seem to greet the bad stuff with open arms stepping forward like I deserve this yet anything good comes along I approach with hesitation. I am learning to allow both sides to move freely. To know there is no limit to the amazing experiences I can have. It's like casting a stone into the water. If the stone's cast in anger the ripples cause anger. If the stone's cast in sadness the ripples cause sadness. And if the stone is thrown with the intention of letting go of all you no longer need, bringing into your life all that you do need, then the ripples will carry these things to you. There is this quote I wrote at the end of a play I wrote called 'SoulDance' it goes :

“ Like the ripples of stones thrown into the water. Each Soul is affected and touched by another. Be who you are. Accept and love every part. And join the SoulDance”

True authenticity comes when you stop adhering to what others expect of you and begin to become who and what you choose to be. Trust in your own intelligence to guide you on your soul path. Shine your own lighthouse beacon out into the world calling forth to you all your light experiences and the parts of you that are ready to come home. It's time. You are safe. Let it be.

It's ok to accept help when going through things. When you rely upon the universe you are not handing over the reigns of your life you're merely allowing the universe to sit there beside you, so if you pause unsure or start to veer in the wrong direction, the universe can just give you a nudge and you can correct yourself.

It's strange as I remember writing my first blog and how scary it felt to expose these parts of myself to whoever was reading what I was sharing. I feel the same way now sitting here typing away filled with this nervousness, like somehow I have come full circle. Maybe now I am just willing to acknowledge the part that is afraid, letting it know that to bare one's self, so that our canvas is clean white is the starting point to creating the magnificent shiny new masterpiece that we were born to be.

I'd like to leave this dialogue with the lyrics for the song 'What you are' by Jewel. It speaks for itself.

What you are - jewel

"I'm driving around town
Kinda bored with the windows rolled down
See a girl on the bus stop bench
Dressed to draw attention

Hoping everyone will stare
If she don't stand out she thinks she'll disappear
Wish I could hold her, tell her, show her
What she wants is already there

A star is a star
It doesn't have to try to shine
Water will fall
A bird just knows how to fly

You don't have to tell a flower how to bloom
Or light how to fill up a room
You already are what you are
And what you are is beautiful

Heard a story the other day
Took place at the local VA
A father talking to his dying son
This was his conversation

"It's not supposed to be like this
You can't go first I can't handle it"
The boy said "Dad now don't you cry,
Remember when I was a child what you used to tell me when I'd ask why?"
(You'd say) Gravity is gravity
It doesn't try to pull you down
Stone is stone
It can't help but hold it's ground

The wind just blows, though you can't see
It's everywhere like I'll always be
You already are what you are
And what you are is strong enough

Look in the mirror
Now that's another story to tell
I give love to others
But I give myself hell

I'd have to tell myself
"In every seed there's a perfect plan"
Everything I hoped to be
I already am

A flower is a flower
It doesn't have to try to bloom
And light is light
Just knows how to fill a room

And dark is dark
So the stars have a place to shine
The tide goes out
So it can come back another time

Goodbye makes a Hello so sweet
And love is love so it can teach us
We already are what we are
And what we are is beautiful

And strong enough
And good enough
And bright enough

We are stars in each other's skies"

til next time

all my love and light

Mandy

Stress, Pressure and Guilt - The Power of the Mind

Lately I have been so caught up in my own negativity. My inner critic has been running a riot, having a field day being loud and proud! Every single thing has been causing me great irritation, every persons voice (especially that of my own family) has been like fingers down a black board. I have felt all this energy that is unpleasant around me, all this noise in my head. I just want it all to SHUT UP. A couple days ago I had a really bad day. I mean all that has been going on with my inner tormentor literally just blew up in my face. I had not been sleeping again and had spent the early afternoon at the place I go to from the job centre to look for work. I just sat there in front of the screen feeling lost and empty. I had run out of jobs to apply for. I had already applied for countless jobs I did not want to just appease the job centre, though it went against every fibre of my being. I felt there is no choice. So I sat there trying to think of more boring places to work and just ran out of them. I just wanted to relax and be and allow myself to do what I love. Still seeking approval from the people at the job centre like their sole opinion mattered and would mean I am allowed to 'play' for a living.

Then in the evening I had an acting class. I wasn't gonna go as felt so low but thought having a play will lift my spirits. Well the person taking the class chatted for about 3hrs and I felt so utterly bored. I felt like I was at school and I just wasn't interested in sitting there having a lecture about things. I felt unintelligent about my own creativity. I don't remember what I learnt about Stanislavski, I don't know about The Method or the countless other 'Techniques' used in acting. For me I just 'do' . So hearing the person as well as others talking about all this made me feel I m not qualified to act. Again this was my inner tormentor in full swing. Anyway at one point the person was saying to various people about what makes you, you and said things like 'why did you wear your hair like that etc' suddenly he turned to me and said 'Why did you put on those clothes' I literally felt my entire being jolt and he could see this and quickly said 'I am not picking on you' and I knew he wasn't but I felt like I had just been singled out. I really felt myself back in school. It was most interesting.

On the way home I just cried so much. I had my umbrella up and was walking, sobbing. I got a bit lost and couldn't find the station and I stood there sobbing saying 'I don't know where I am, I'm lost, I don't know where I am' I was in a state. I eventually found my way back to the station and went home. I wrote in my journal when I got back as I knew I needed to let this emotion out. I realised that when I get like that and the stress and worry and self loathing is at that amount of intensity it feels like I am on a merry-go-round and I've been on it for so long I have forgotten how to get off. I need something to stop the ride and show me the exit., show me there is a whole fairground out there I can play with. When I say 'something' I mean something within me that clicks. You always hear how we all choose our thoughts but what if no one ever told you there was another option, no one ever said to you any different. So how can you flick a switch and bang! You think different. I tell you it takes a lot of practice. I mean even though I was in a state I was still recognising where it was from that I felt I was at school. I came to the realisation that I am bored hearing my own negativity. I do not believe what it says anymore. So now I am sure there will be a great change. I do not have a clue how it will occur nor what to do but I know there will be change.

All this experience has brought me is the inspiration to talk about Stress, Pressure , Guilt and how powerful our minds really are. To share this with you all. So already a positive has come. I hope you all find some little pockets of something helpful in these words for we are never alone.

We put so much stress and pressure upon ourselves and others. We even place it upon 'things' if we don't get that job....if we haven't achieved so and so by a certain age....the list goes on. I was told to have fun. How many of you feel guilty for enjoying yourself we have spare time we must fill it with anything that is work. Guilt is another big thing that is best friends with stress and pressure, they all feed one another. You get all kinds of guilt. I'm Jewish so I got Jewish guilt, then there's Asian guilt, Catholic guilt, Christian guilt, whatever type of guilt you have it really all amounts to the same translation : that there is some force out there that won't allow you to....(fill in the blank). Whether this force is God or Parents or Them, The Universe, doesn't matter . It's the little voice that tells you you can't. You see someone who is the same age as you, younger than you, a couple years older and they have achieved what you have yet to and you look at that person and think 'what's wrong with me?' You place them upon a pedestal and yourself in a bunker far away. It's the same with a man/woman - you have feelings for them and suddenly they go from being on your level to being 100 feet up in the air sitting on a golden thrown with a halo swimming around their head, you bow down to them 'I am not worthy oh great one' you worry how you look if you're gonna see them. I am sure each one of you has experienced that moment of 'I've got nothing to wear!' and feeling so stressed about what 'they' think. Sometimes we can silence our very own voice by agreeing with someone to not say something 'wrong' and risk being 'judged' by 'them'. I could sit here for a good hundred pages filling in all the stresses and pressures we place each day upon every thing we experience and every person we meet.

When we wake up in the morning we already have a million thoughts in our heads from how tired we may feel, the dreams the night before, all we have to do today if there are deadlines to make are we gonna make them, meetings, not wanting to get out of bed, any people we may not want to see or face. Or if you don't have a job what's the point what is there for me today, I have to find work if I don't do so and so 'they' will be let down. And if we hit the snooze button we feel guilty to take the extra ten minutes so spend with ourselves. So we spend an extra ten minutes berating rather than enjoying our selves. So before we have even opened our eyes and got out of bed there are a billion and one negative thoughts floating around our mind. How many times have you got out of bed after feeling really stressed and flustered only to stub your toe or bang your elbow, trip up on something. One time when I was especially grouchy I caught my foot on my chair leg and flew through the air narrowly missing the corner of my cupboard to land on my knees. You could say I was literally 'brought to my knees' by the universe. Now you can put it down to just another reason why everything sucks or you can stop take a minute and ask 'what is this here to teach me?' Coz every bump, bruise, accident, unpleasant person or situation, every single traffic jam, broken down car, every burglary, every single person you meet is a teacher baring a special message just for you. All that's needed is for you to just stop in that moment and ask 'what can I learn, what are you here to tell me, what's the message' however you feel comfortable to phrase it, you only need ask and you will be enlightened to the truth.

Worry+Stress+Pressure+Guilt = Struggle. And struggle makes life so much more a chore then the actual joyous celebration it truly is. Every tiny thing is hard and filled with an effort. Even breathing becomes unnatural. When we are faced with a challenge we can do one of two things we can see it as 'argh not another thing anything else you wanna throw at me' and let that event/experience become bigger then it is or we can choose to see it as a lesson we can learn from its like instead of seeing a traffic light and just waiting for it to change we see kilimanjaro and we struggle up the mountain when we could have just let the lights change. To coin the old phrase 'don't make a mountain out of a molehill'. I am learning now that in fact the less I try to control things and just let it all be the more at ease and healthier I feel. After all each experience you have brought to yourself by a thought or a belief pattern. Each of these experiences can be changed by how you react to them. Treat these seeming mishaps and discord as a reminder something needs attention. Go within ask what its here to teach you then make the changes you need to.

If we do not pay attention to the negative thoughts and relieve the stress in our selves it can not only cause mishaps and negative events, it can also create dis-ease within the body : colds, bugs, bruises, broken bones all of these things can be avoided if we can change our thoughts and eliminate all stress from our life. If I could recommend a book every person should own it would be 'How to heal your life' by Louise Hay. It has every single problem with the body, what the emotional cause is and the affirmation you can use to heal yourself. For example the emotional issue behind a cold is :

Too much going on at once. mental confusion, disorder. Small hurts ' I get three colds every winter' type of belief.

And the affirmation is :

I allow my mind to relax and be at peace. Clarity and harmony are within me and around me. All is well.

I cannot recommend this book enough to you all it really opens your eyes to what goes on in your body and how you can indeed heal yourself. This and her book 'The Power is Within You' are both worth the investment.

Our Minds are powerful machines' like the most intelligent computers storing billions upon millions of data. Every single experience we have had, every single remark that has been said to us is all swimming around inside our head. What we need to do is start sorting through it all. When we hear a negative quip we just ask some simple questions:

How old am I? (this tells us at what age we had this experience)
Where am I? (this tells us the place of the event that lead to the negative quip)
What happened? (lets you know details of said event)
Whose voice is this? (this let you know who said this negative thing to you.)

optional:

What can I learn from this?/What can you teach me? (this can be asked if you feel something is repeating and you need to get to the bottom of it)

Once you know all these things you can begin to change your thinking. It's like seeing a mouse that's been telling you all this time it was a Lion and would eat you and now you actually see it for what it really is - a mouse. It's all illusion. Smoke and Mirrors. You see the truth and then you no longer need to believe in that quip. Thus begins the change of thinking. Every time you dismantle a negative quip put a positive in its place. See the scene played out with this new positive thought/belief there instead. It helps that part of you to grow up believing in this wonderful thing and so it grows stronger. So the next time that same negative quip comes up you just see it for what it is - Illusion and you no longer give it any importance.

We never stop learning and letting go. There is no magic wand that you can waive to make it all immediately fall into place. It's a process and you just gotta keep unravelling the knots and layers, like an epic game of pass the parcel, unwrapping each layer till you reach the gift inside. You.

I'd like to share with you all the story of The Tortoise and the Hare by Aesop :

The Tortoise and the Hare
Posted on Jul 2, 1997
One of Aesop’s Fables
Illustrated by Arthur Rackham

Once upon a time there was a hare who, boasting how he could run faster than anyone else, was forever teasing tortoise for its slowness. Then one day, the irate tortoise answered back: “Who do you think you are? There’s no denying you’re swift, but even you can be beaten!” The hare squealed with laughter.

“Beaten in a race? By whom? Not you, surely! I bet there’s nobody in the world that can win against me, I’m so speedy. Now, why don’t you try?”

Annoyed by such bragging, the tortoise accepted the challenge. A course was planned, and the next day at dawn they stood at the starting line. The hare yawned sleepily as the meek tortoise trudged slowly off. When the hare saw how painfully slow his rival was, he decided, half asleep on his feet, to have a quick nap. “Take your time!” he said. “I’ll have forty winks and catch up with you in a minute.”

The hare woke with a start from a fitful sleep and gazed round, looking for the tortoise. But the creature was only a short distance away, having barely covered a third of the course. Breathing a sigh of relief, the hare decided he might as well have breakfast too, and off he went to munch some cabbages he had noticed in a nearby field. But the heavy meal and the hot sun made his eyelids droop. With a careless glance at the tortoise, now halfway along the course, he decided to have another snooze before flashing past the winning post. And smiling at the thought of the look on the tortoise’s face when it saw the hare speed by, he fell fast asleep and was soon snoring happily. The sun started to sink, below the horizon, and the tortoise, who had been plodding towards the winning post since morning, was scarcely a yard from the finish. At that very point, the hare woke with a jolt. He could see the tortoise a speck in the distance and away he dashed. He leapt and bounded at a great rate, his tongue lolling, and gasping for breath. Just a little more and he’d be first at the finish. But the hare’s last leap was just too late, for the tortoise had beaten him to the winning post. Poor hare! Tired and in disgrace, he slumped down beside the tortoise who was silently smiling at him.

“Slowly does it every time!” he said.

The moral of the story is that if we just take our moments one at a time, our baby steps each day we will get to wherever it is we wish to be. 'Rome wasn't built in a day' we cannot go from A to Z we have to stop at each letter, and sometimes we spend a while there til we have learnt all we need to learn from that letter then on to the next one. The hare is in a constant state of flux. He is not there in the moment just thinking of how he can 'win'. What he did not realise is there are no 'losers' we are all destined for that goal post, that's just fact what is for you will never go past you and you will be where it is you desire to be. Just enjoy the journey, take your time. There is no rush. We each have our own pace in which we stride through life. Be the tortoise. Go at your own pace. 'slowly does it every time'

And next time you are having a stressful time just stop, breathe and enjoy the presence of you.

It's rare I ever get in advance what I will be writing. Usually something happens and then the blog forms. I hear that my next topic will be on 'Giving and Receiving' so I look forward to all the inspirations that will form the next blog for you all. : )

love and light

Mandy

To be or not to be - Dreams, Passion and Imagination

Hello Everyone : )

I was asked shortly after the last blog came out to write about my acting (thank you dear Saskia for this, you are an Earth Angel) It had me really fighting, fearful and blocked. I have been so afraid to explore this very big part of me. The amount of times I sat here at this computer writing then stopping and leaving it then coming back and writing a bit more. I have not yet experienced this when writing the blog it has just flowed before, so easy. This time though I was asked to not just talk about my creativity but essentially about me. And as you know from the previous blogs I don't really like talking about me. Remember the question 'so tell me about you?' yeah well I get stuck and clam up, all eyes on me, not good,. Panic. Aaaarrggh!! So it has been a journey in itself to get these words on this page : )

This is going to be a long one so buckle in lol! : )

I had originally begun this blog with a quote from Shakespeare but I will leave that till later. I have chosen to begin this dialogue with a quote by Nelson Mandela:

" Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light not our Darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be Brilliant, Gorgeous, Talented, Fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing Enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. You are born to make Manifest the Glory of God that is within you. It's not just in some of us. It's in everyone. And as we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are Liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically Liberates others."

These words hold such powerful truth for me as they may hold for many of you. I have been so afraid of my light for 20 years or so. I mean when I came out the womb I was happy, I have seen pictures of me as a small child and there is life in me, in my eyes, they shone with such magic and wonder. Like little glitter balls spinning to some amazing inner song. I was my authentic self, no imitations or limitations. Complete freedom of expression to be who and what I am.

Then on my first day of Nursery school I was punched in the face by this little boy called Myron. I do not know why this happened. I was just a small child, innocent. Well things went downhill from there. I was bullied very badly throughout my schooling. The only solace I found was Acting. I auditioned for all the plays from the infants and up and got parts (often the lead) I didn't think anything of it. I just knew that I was good at it, I enjoyed it and when I was on stage I felt invincible, like no one could hurt me. All those children who would make my life a living hell didn't touch me there. On stage I was home, I belonged and that's all that mattered.

It's funny I don't remember any of my childhood. The bullying was so bad I blocked it all out. I do remember holding on to the sheets so tight as my mum came in to get me ready for school. I remember screaming and crying and gripping at the covers as my mum ripped them from me, knowing if I went in to that place I wouldn't be safe. I remember being kicked between the legs by a boy called Alex. I remember two boys Yehuda and David were especially nasty. I was scared of them. I remember my mum taking me into school only to take me back home as I said I had a stomach ache and cried. I remember this one teacher Mr Magraff who I hated he was a very mean nasty man who yelled at me in front of everyone for no reason. But all the horrors of being in this hell I lived melted away when I was on stage. I was safe. Then when I was in junior school I got my first taste of Panic attacks. I got one on stage, nearly passed out and all the parents were talking and pointing and all the voices. My safe place wasn't safe anymore. They found a way to reach me there too. I was bullied throughout my entire early and young adult life. Secondary school I got chased into the toilets and hid in a cubicle whilst these five girls leaned either side, their heads looking down on me, they shook the sides of the cubicle and shouted abuse while I cried. The fear was so intense. Then college the first year was awful, this time it was my taste in music that offended people. The second year course I did was better I had people who stuck up for me. Even at work I got bullied by bosses. To have experienced that level of abuse for so many years was life shattering.

I never thought I had the right to exist that's how profound the experience left me. I suffocated myself my life with negative thoughts and little punishments as I believed I did not have the right to exist in this world. My light was harmful to others so I snuffed it out and it was dark and I was frightened and alone. I built a fortress around myself to separate myself from the infinite love as I made myself unworthy. So my spark that pure brilliant fire became nothing more than coal my ability to create died. I died. so I spent my life walking around hollow empty. Void of colour.

I still loved to Act and I blossomed in college, took a while. I got my acting legs back : ) I began to come alive again on stage. My panic attacks eventually went. I had gotten these drops from this Homeopathic practitioner which stopped them. It was such a relief. But there was still something missing in it all. The light was not there in my eyes, those glitter balls spinning were just vacant black holes.
Then my Grandma died. She had battled cancer and it had taken her. It broke my world as she was my protector, my guardian. My grandma would always make me feel special and believed in me. When she died it's as if the last shred of light got snuffed out. It was now not dark but pitch black. I did not handle it well and I ceased being. Like I just put the lid on my light and buried it under concrete and layers of crap. I was not alive anymore. Dead woman walking. I became a 'Customer Service Person' I 'wanted' to be an actress. I 'was' 'customer service'. I lost my identity completely. It was gone before my Grandma passed but she reflected the last bit of light in me, without her I couldn't see it. I was lost.

It was 2005 - 4 years after my grandma died when a true blessing, a Miracle from God occurred. I’d heard about Jensen Ackles new TV show ‘Supernatural’ he is such a wonderful actor and I loved him in 'Dark Angel. I downloaded the pilot and sat at my computer to watch it. Suddenly from nowhere this overwhelming feeling of ‘I want to do that’ came up. I was so excited and felt that passion rise up in me that had been dead for such a long time. From that moment I found my love for acting again. It reminded me why I do what I do and keep going. ‘Supernatural’ has also been a great means of escape. Whenever I feel down I just pop on an episode and it lifts me up. I love the fact that Eric Kripke got the balance right. You have great writing, acting, directing it's all just amazing. It is a dream of mine to act on the show I’d love to be able to give back what the show has given me and maybe inspire some people with a character I play and be part of that universe. I do have a lot to thank everyone for. It’s weird as I doubt any of them realise how things affect people. I would love to shake Eric’s hand and say ‘Thank you’ to him for making me inspired again.

That show flipped the lights back on for me. So I began to see myself as an actress again. It's been 5 years of watching that show, and building up my foundations. But it has taken me 20 odd years to get to a place of peace and awareness of the light that is me. Even now as I write I am still letting go of old patterns. As you all know I am at the Jobcentre at the moment. It has been very painful lately. I am being sent to this place to 'help me find work' I am scared as I am an actress, writer and Healer, that's not scary, but what is is that I worry they will not support and I have felt like there are hands pulling me down, keeping me in the old. I say 'ENOUGH' and I know I am going to speak up.

This is why I wrote these blogs - to Speak up, speak out, find my voice and spread the love and light. Right now I have to say the biggest fear I have is being forced back to 'Customer Services' to the disguise I made myself into. I AM NOT HER ANYMORE. This I know. So I choose to take what I have been learning and do my affirmations, talk to my friends, be honest and authentic, loving and open to the highest good there is.

Also there is something you should all know - DON'T BE AFRAID TO FEEL YOUR FEELINGS. Whatever they are - born of love or born of fear. Feel them. They're yours. They are lessons. They are gifts. Express them. Release them. It's ok to feel. You can let yourself feel the anger and not punch someone. You can feel the hate and not cause another nor yourself any harm. Just be. Be with whatever is there. Be the observer. Be aware of all that you feel. Notice the anger but also notice the peace and stillness. Notice the anxiety but also notice the excitement and joy. Notice the fear but also notice the love. You are so many things, each one of you, be them all but choose wisely. If you do not like what you experience then choose something that feels better. That's the beauty - you choose. You don't have to suffer anymore, you can choose to let it go and welcome Joy. That is exactly what is happening to me right now. This cycle of suffering I have been on for the last 20 odd years has now reached its end and the new cycle of Joy has begun. In this transition stage, the great changes feel more then I can understand but I know this wave of change is bringing me freedom. Though I feel such fear I also feel the boundless love. For every negative emotion I feel a positive. I am almost home. Where my light is free to just be. I choose to celebrate this change.

I wish to share with you two things: First is a beautiful poem written by my dear friend Mark. He kindly has allowed me to share his words with you. I feel there is a deep message here about the paths we walk and how we can walk a different path if we choose.:

OUR JOURNEY　

THIS PATH I TREAD LEADS ME AGAIN TO DISTANT LANDS THAT HOLD NO FAVOUR WITH ME
RUTTED AND STEEP THE JOURNEY DEMANDS ALL OF MY STRENGTH, BUT RETURNS LITTLE COMFORT OR HOPE FOR MY SALVATION.

YET AS I SEEK A GLIMPSE OF RADIANT LIGHT FROM THAT DULL DECEPTIVE HORIZON, WHISPERS ENTER MY BEING LIKE A COLD BREEZE STOPPING ME IN MY TRACKS, FORCING ME TO STAND STILL AND LISTEN TO SOME ANCIENT THOUGHT JABBING AT MY MIND WITHOUT RELENTING UNTIL WITHOUT WARNING IT DRIFTS AWAY LEAVING NOTHING BUT A HUNGER THAT DRIVES ME ON ONCE AGAIN.

ETERNITY WAS NEVER MEANT TO TORTURE MY STEPS BUT HERE I WALK PAIN UPON PAIN , WAITING FOR A REASON TO STOP AND LAY DOWN, EVER KNOWING MY SOLITUDE WAS OF MY OWN DESIGN, EVER KNOWING THE SEEDS SEWN WOULD BE HARVESTED AND FED TO ME ON A PLATTER OF SUCH GUILT THAT MY OWN SOUL RAN FROM ME IN DESPAIR.

TO SEEK MY JOURNEYS END I MUST LOOK BACK UPON THAT PATH LONG WALKED, SEE WITH EYES OF LOVE AND COMPASSION AND TRUST WITHOUT HESITATION MY NEW DESTINATION, AND WITH MY HUNGER FED I STRIDE FORTH TO REJOIN WITH MY SOUL AT MY JOURNEYS END.

By Mark Miller

The second, in the theme of the paths we choose and Journeying home, is this song I wrote a while ago called 'Heart Speak' it's message is simple : say what's in your heart even if it isn't nice and clean. Speak your truth. It will set you free.:

Heart Speak

I try to shake away the dust
all these shadows fall from me
underneath all there is is light
blank canvas crystal clean

Danced upon these broken shells
felt the cuts in my feet
never meant to hurt myself
all the bruises the terror screams

Chorus
and if I whisper loud enough
will the world hear what I have to say?
and if I lie down in the road
will people just keep on walking over me?
and if I said what's in my heart
even if it wasn't nice and clean?
though I mean not to hurt anyone
will they still stay away from me?


I try to lick away the dirt
all the dead skin falls like snow
underneath all is raw and red
brand new rainbow soul

Danced upon these burning coals
felt the fire scold my feet
never meant to stay so long
all the mistakes the blistered dreams

Chorus

Danced upon golden sands
felt the love between my toes
never dreamed I'd have to leave
that's just how the story goes

I feel like I've lost my best friend
I feel like I am not good for anyone
people seem to be dropping like flies
moving on, moving on, moving on
what have I done?

Chorus
and if I give you enough
will you want to come back in?
and if I left here today
would you even notice?
and if I said what's in my heart
even if it wasn't nice and clean?
though I mean you no harm
would you really hear me?
and if I whisper loud enough
will the world hear what I have to say?
and if I lie down in the road
will people just keep on walking over me?
and if I said what's in my heart
even if it wasn't nice and clean?
though I mean not to hurt anyone
will they still stay away from me?

I try to shake away the dust
I try to stop the bleeding
I try to open up my heart
I try to accept the healing
I try to lick away the dead skin
I try to let the guilt go
I try to let you in
I try to find my way home

Open your heart Dear Ones and hear the song of your soul. Each of you has the power to be who you were born to be and who you choose to be.

The late great William Shakespeare was full of spiritual wisdom. He littered his plays with it. "To be or not to be, that is the question" Shakespeare's wisest most profound words if you ask me. and " All the world is a stage, the men and women merely players" Shakespeare showed us the importance of play - the world is our play ground. So what did you wish to be when you were children? what have you chosen to be now? does it differ from that of your dear child? Or is it the same just more of it? is there anything would like to choose different?

I always knew acting was for me. Being creative and spiritual. I always knew that love was where I felt truly home. Inspiring people, reaching out to touch an audience's soul. What a gift! I saw 'Hair' (it's a musical about hippies and the Vietnam war) in the west end and at the end they invited the audience on stage to dance and sing with the cast. I was terrified but I got up there and as I danced and sang I looked out at the audience and around at the audience members and cast members around me and I had this moment of awareness , I could feel the love and how each person, myself included, was being moved by these actors, and I knew that this is who I am meant to be-choose to be, spreading the love and light to the world through my creative/spiritual gifts and talents.

Most people don't dare to dream as big as the universe and as wide as they can. I dream that big. I dream about acting on 'Supernatural' on 'Dr who', with Jonny Depp and Meryl Streep. I dream about the kind of roles I'll play - getting to do an action movie where I get to do martial arts use weapons , do wirework and basically kick arse. Doing a comedy with Jim Carey and Steve Carrell, maybe an action with Matt Damon and a period drama with James McAvoy and Judi Dench. The list and dreams go on and get bigger and bigger. I believe that it is possible. I believe you can never dream 'too big' So I invite you all to rediscover your dreams and passions and breathe life into any area in your life that feels flat. Go blow bubbles, go dance around your living room, go to the park and feed the ducks, go take part in an open mic night, do that art class, that acting class, take photos of your world, bake cupcakes and cookies with faces on, sing out loud, enter your poems or stories into that competition, take those risks, travel to places that excite you and amaze you. Be the magic, the life, the love, the light. Do whatever moves your spirit and makes you feel alive and whole. Be your authentic self and never let anyone place chains upon you. Believe me, I know what those chains can do. And if you are in chains break free, reclaim your power from the places you gave it to. It may be a painful journey and you may feel like giving up but don't. DON'T GIVE UP. EVER. You are all so beautiful, so dazzling and loved. Be like the stars in the night sky, shine your love and light as bright and as big as you can. That's how we see the stars from where they are, coz they don't need to be fearful nor worried to shine their brightest. They just shine.

I would like to share with you this final quote - this time from David Ackert. an actor.

" Actors are some of the most driven, courageous people on the face of the earth. They deal with more day-to-day rejection in one year than most people do in a lifetime. Every day, actors face the financial challenge of living a freelance lifestyle, the disrespect of people who think they should get 'real' jobs, and their own fear that they'll never work again. Each day they have to ignore the possibility that the vision to which they have dedicated their lives is a pipe dream. With every passing year, many of them watch as the other people their age achieve the predictable milestones of normal life - the car, the family, the house, the nest egg.
But they stay true to their dream, in spite of sacrifices. Why? Because actors are willing to give their entire lives to a moment - to that line, that laugh, that gesture, or that interpretation that will stir the audience's soul. Actors are beings who have tasted life's nectar in that crystal moment when they poured out their creative spirit and touched another's heart. In that instant, they were as close to magic, God, and perfection as anyone could ever be. And in their own hearts, they know that to dedicate oneself to that moment is worth a thousand lifetimes"

Amen to that. I am happy to say I am one of them - The Actors. I have chosen to dedicate my life to being creative and stirring the audiences soul. It is who I choose to be. I have the right to exist now as the creative being I am. I am not afraid of my truth. To be authentic with you all. It is a liberation. I thank you for sticking with me it's been a long one huh. I thank you for your support, your love and your wisdom. You are each a gift you give to all those who you come into contact with. I am humbled by the gifts you have given me.

Now its time to wish you well on your journey. Here is a link to a very inspirational song by Brandon Heath called 'Love never fails':

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8nQy-aP_Koo

Live.Laugh.Love.Celebrate.Forgive.Accept.Be

Just BE.

Love and light

Mandy

Love and Fear

Love. We all want it. We all feel it. It's a lot of things. It's your parents, siblings, your family (whether you get on or you don't they still love you. Just gets buried sometimes under fear.) it's friendships, meeting up then getting home only to call each other and talk for a few more hours, it's sharing inside jokes, it's finding what you want to do for the rest of your life, what gets you out of bed in the mornings, it's staring into the eyes of your twin flame - matching mirrors, your true companion and partner, it's holding your baby in your arms, it's where we were all born from and where we'll all eventually return someday.

I've not been lucky with the romantic love. I have met the who's who of human crap. Truth is I do not understand the etiquette of 'Relationship'. Sadly it's just something I have not experienced. Oh I dated (one guy) I fell in love (another guy) I liked a whole lot of other guys, It's just none of them could ever actually go there. Maybe I'm not attractive enough? Maybe I'm not thin enough? Maybe I'm not good enough? What's wrong with me that I must be that unlovable? Truth is nothing's wrong. I've just been unfortunate to not have met the right people.

There's this misconception that floats around that if you get to a certain age and you haven't kissed someone, dated X amount of people, lost your virginity there's something wrong with you. Oh no one will ever say anything but you get 'the look' and the off-hand comment, a silence. Whatever it may be you get the impression there's something wrong with you. . I saw an interview with Matt Smith and Karen Gillan where she had said her first kiss was at 15 to which Matt Smith replied that it was late. My first kiss was at 19. It wasn't what I thought. He was no gentleman. I mean is there really some hand book out there saying you are supposed to have had so-so experience at a certain age? Coz if there is I would love to see it! I think it's crap and it doesn't matter what age you may be it will happen when it is the right time for you. I mean look at Lisa Kudrow- Phoebe from Friends - she lost her virginity to her husband at 31. It's not as big a deal as we all like to make it out to be. We put far too much pressure upon ourselves and other people. We give love conditionally. We feel the hurt and pain if that love is not returned. If we just realised that we are all made of love, we are each a piece of God, walking around, connecting to people, sharing and experiencing this great journey we call life together. Its then we realise that to simply be love we attract love, by loving without condition we open our hearts to a much richer and deeper experience. Next time you feel angry or are met with a situation where a person is being unpleasant just stop, breathe and say

" I love you, I forgive you, I respect you, all is well."

It's pretty powerful as you are not just saying this to that person but to your own self. Also a wonderful thing to say is "Love, always love" William Roach wrote this in his autobiography 'Soul on the street' . It is a quick reminder to be loving.
Then we have Fear. It's that prickling uncertainty that walks down your spine, its your stomach in knots, your heart in your throat, it's seeing that shadow move in the corner of your eye, its the monster under the bed, the spider in the bathroom, its all the bumps and moans in the night. Its the ego and lower self telling you scary stories. Fear knows the past it does not know the present or future so when you experience something it will go to the past, find a similar experience and say

' there. this will happen'

It's like a record stuck on a loop, it's just the diminuendo's whereas Love is actual music, it's the crescendo's, it's exciting and each experience is new and fresh. Although you may experience the diminuendo's they are barely noticed as you are lifted by the music and the joy of following life's song. Each of us has our own music to which we dance through life, its a matter of closing your eyes, stilling yourself and listening......quiet.......still.......don't try too hard............there. Can you hear it? that is your song, your pace that you move through life. If you follow your own rhythm you can never go wrong. : )
The path of Fear is this plain dusty road, flat and all the same, it's not scary just familiar. But the path of love is resplendent, beautiful, lush with vegetation, waterfalls and forests, it's exciting and there's animals, magic. Yet there can be fear there, fear of the unknown. It's best to gradually build up the path of love. Maybe add a tree to the dusty path, see the road become pathed in gold or rainbows, see a butterfly flutter by. Anything. It's your path. That's the best bit, you get to choose.

I want to share this experience with you all that I had yesterday. I had been having so much doubt about my acting, the kind that made me feel crippled by insecurity. It came about by my thinking: thinking I was not doing enough, thinking about other people's expectations and what they wanted from me, thinking about not auditioning in a very long time, thinking about not having an agent, thinking about everything apart from what really matters: my love for performing, for play.
So I went to the park and held the question 'what does it mean to truly commit to my acting?' in my mind. I first saw two trees sharing one trunk, then I saw three trees sharing one trunk and heard how it represents the things I do: acting, writing, healing/readings. Then I saw one tree big and strong when I looked up it had these thick branches reaching up like a hand to the sky, covered in leaves and I felt empowered seeing this tree reaching for all its dreams. I heard how you have a strong base/foundation you do not separate yourself you know that you are a healer and your chosen vessel for healing is acting, writing and reiki/readings. They are branches of the same tree. I also realized that I am thinking too much about what other people want, what they expect and think of me. I was going to apply for jobs I know don't feel right out of fear and to please others. I asked myself what I want, what my desires are and I listed off so many things: freedom, love, empowerment, meaning, acting, being creative, life, colour, magic etc etc I kept going. I felt lifted as I realized I need to know its ok to want things and have desires even if there are people that don't understand it, even if I feel I just need a quick solution to a problem, I don't have to do something that feels wrong. The angels are listening and I guess I just need to start asking and expecting the help (bearing in mind not to control how it may come) .

Every positive emotion is born of Love and every negative emotion is born of Fear.

I spend the majority of my time either in a radiant state of love or the depths of fear based feelings. Right now I'm coming up to 29 years old, I live with my parents, I have no job, I sign on at the job centre and I am an actress, which, lets face it doesn't exactly breed security and I doubt and question my choice of career (even though I often say Acting chose me as I quit twice and it kept coming back like a bloody boomerang) I flap more times than a bird in flight, scream into pillows (god bless Louise Hay) to let out the frustration. And I don't breathe. Seriously, when I get in a flap and stress I stop breathing! Don't ask me how I'm still alive I couldn't tell you! : )

I have to remind myself to stop and take a Happy Breath in (I love that 'Happy Breath' got that little gem from Danielle Allen who taught me voice production at city lit)

I love to inject humour in what I write as let's face it life is funny! Life is like one giant fart - no stay with me - it's funny yet it can stink and sometimes you get crap! Sorry was that too far?...Wait....come back!

In the end its up to us which path we choose is it Love? or is it Fear?

I know I choose Love.

Which one do you?

Till next time my friends, Keep laughing at life and loving every moment!

Mandy

PS: Feel free to share experiences and let me know if there are any particular areas you would like covered.

Welcome!

Welcome Everyone to 'Blogs From The Other Side'!

Now I am not expecting everyone to understand my analogies nor read all I write. I just got an idea sparked by my mum (to write a blog) which in turn was sparked by my inner voice with the name ('Blogs From The Other Side') sparked by me sat on this train writing what you read now.
I suppose this is My Voice, my platform to Speak Out, Speak Up for all the things we each have/will/are experiencing in the hope of shining some light upon all the cobwebs and hidden places. Maybe I may learn some surprising truths about myself while writing this. Who knows!
All I know for certain is I am just like you. I've felt fear, pain, insecure, I've been to places I never thought I'd come back from. But here I am. I'm still here. I got through (and am still getting through) all the crap. So can you.

We all come into this world as pristine Diamonds. The highest cut. The cleanest cut. We are pure, exquisite jewels. But over time, the Diamond gets chipped (so-so says I'm fat and ugly etc)and soon your Diamond is unrecognisable from all the chips and dents, it loses its sparkle and cleanness. Instead of exquisite it's like some tacky piece of costume jewellery. It can be whatever it needs to 'fit in' losing its true nature of love and light.

I lost my Diamond so long ago. For many years I've been whatever anyone wanted me to be : The people Pleaser, The Yes Sir No Sir, The Unloved, The Joker, you name it I have been it. And each time that Diamond shone I covered it over with a negative thought. Coz I believed what was inside the Diamond was so bad that no one could ever see it. They'd recoil in horror, none of you would want to know me anymore. Crazy right? It's just Me in there - shiny, authentic, passionate, loving, funny Me.(and I know my dear friends you are the ones that actually show me my Diamond on many many occasions and I thank each and every one of you with a zillion hugs and kisses wrapped up in a shower of love), but I got so many chips and dents my Diamond got smaller and smaller. It can happen. The lights go out and you're just some empty home. It's taken me so long but I don't feel as empty now. There's just this one piece, this one room, like a hole in me. Becky Walsh, this incredible teacher I had at The College of Psychic Studies told me that this hole we all think we have, this hole we fill with food, alcohol, drugs any addiction or negative habit isn't a hole at all but a mirror. This mirror is facing dull side up and so it appears hole-like but if we flip it to the shiny side 'oop there you go, it's you your beautiful light! My mirror must be on some kinda bungee it pings and pongs back and forth so much! - Dull side, light side, dull, light, dull, light......on and on and on. its like some bloody fairground rollercoaster ride!

To help me keep it shiny side up I constantly remind myself I am loved. A really powerful affirmation my very good friend Jesse gave me :

'I deeply and completely Love, Accept and Approve of Myself'

it works, it really truly does. My other fave affirmations are 'My creativity helps heal myself and others' and 'it's safe for me to give and receive love'. Each of them work so well for me.

Now my writing won't always be eloquent. I may ramble and go off somewhere where you may find it hard to follow, It's ok. That's just me. I ramble. I go off on a million different journeys from one thought. Don't worry about it. I don't. I'm also passionate about my acting I love everything about the industry from props to costume, set to Directors the whole thing gets all my cells dancing and sparking like fireworks! I am spiritual I'm psychic and a healer I talk to the angels and my guides, I believe in unicorns and faeries, I love nature give me the sea or a lovely Forrest : ) I am sarcastic and have a very eclectic sense of humour (I don't care what you say Farts are funny!) I love animals and yes I do prefer them to people : ) I am many things as are each of you.

If you feel like it stick with me through these ramblings. Who knows you may learn something not only about me but about yourself. Feel free to link this to people you may know who you feel it could inspire.

I admit to you all it scares the crap outta me to post this as the part of me that got chipped and dented feels uncomfortable talking about myself and doesn't like all eyes on me. Hate that question 'so tell me about you' it always makes me stumped as I am like 'ooh who am I?' Truth is I don't know for sure but am figuring it all out : )

Till next time my friends,