To be or not to be - Dreams, Passion and Imagination

Hello Everyone : )

I was asked shortly after the last blog came out to write about my acting (thank you dear Saskia for this, you are an Earth Angel) It had me really fighting, fearful and blocked. I have been so afraid to explore this very big part of me. The amount of times I sat here at this computer writing then stopping and leaving it then coming back and writing a bit more. I have not yet experienced this when writing the blog it has just flowed before, so easy. This time though I was asked to not just talk about my creativity but essentially about me. And as you know from the previous blogs I don't really like talking about me. Remember the question 'so tell me about you?' yeah well I get stuck and clam up, all eyes on me, not good,. Panic. Aaaarrggh!! So it has been a journey in itself to get these words on this page : )

This is going to be a long one so buckle in lol! : )

I had originally begun this blog with a quote from Shakespeare but I will leave that till later. I have chosen to begin this dialogue with a quote by Nelson Mandela:

" Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light not our Darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be Brilliant, Gorgeous, Talented, Fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing Enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. You are born to make Manifest the Glory of God that is within you. It's not just in some of us. It's in everyone. And as we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are Liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically Liberates others."

These words hold such powerful truth for me as they may hold for many of you. I have been so afraid of my light for 20 years or so. I mean when I came out the womb I was happy, I have seen pictures of me as a small child and there is life in me, in my eyes, they shone with such magic and wonder. Like little glitter balls spinning to some amazing inner song. I was my authentic self, no imitations or limitations. Complete freedom of expression to be who and what I am.

Then on my first day of Nursery school I was punched in the face by this little boy called Myron. I do not know why this happened. I was just a small child, innocent. Well things went downhill from there. I was bullied very badly throughout my schooling. The only solace I found was Acting. I auditioned for all the plays from the infants and up and got parts (often the lead) I didn't think anything of it. I just knew that I was good at it, I enjoyed it and when I was on stage I felt invincible, like no one could hurt me. All those children who would make my life a living hell didn't touch me there. On stage I was home, I belonged and that's all that mattered.

It's funny I don't remember any of my childhood. The bullying was so bad I blocked it all out. I do remember holding on to the sheets so tight as my mum came in to get me ready for school. I remember screaming and crying and gripping at the covers as my mum ripped them from me, knowing if I went in to that place I wouldn't be safe. I remember being kicked between the legs by a boy called Alex. I remember two boys Yehuda and David were especially nasty. I was scared of them. I remember my mum taking me into school only to take me back home as I said I had a stomach ache and cried. I remember this one teacher Mr Magraff who I hated he was a very mean nasty man who yelled at me in front of everyone for no reason. But all the horrors of being in this hell I lived melted away when I was on stage. I was safe. Then when I was in junior school I got my first taste of Panic attacks. I got one on stage, nearly passed out and all the parents were talking and pointing and all the voices. My safe place wasn't safe anymore. They found a way to reach me there too. I was bullied throughout my entire early and young adult life. Secondary school I got chased into the toilets and hid in a cubicle whilst these five girls leaned either side, their heads looking down on me, they shook the sides of the cubicle and shouted abuse while I cried. The fear was so intense. Then college the first year was awful, this time it was my taste in music that offended people. The second year course I did was better I had people who stuck up for me. Even at work I got bullied by bosses. To have experienced that level of abuse for so many years was life shattering.

I never thought I had the right to exist that's how profound the experience left me. I suffocated myself my life with negative thoughts and little punishments as I believed I did not have the right to exist in this world. My light was harmful to others so I snuffed it out and it was dark and I was frightened and alone. I built a fortress around myself to separate myself from the infinite love as I made myself unworthy. So my spark that pure brilliant fire became nothing more than coal my ability to create died. I died. so I spent my life walking around hollow empty. Void of colour.

I still loved to Act and I blossomed in college, took a while. I got my acting legs back : ) I began to come alive again on stage. My panic attacks eventually went. I had gotten these drops from this Homeopathic practitioner which stopped them. It was such a relief. But there was still something missing in it all. The light was not there in my eyes, those glitter balls spinning were just vacant black holes.
Then my Grandma died. She had battled cancer and it had taken her. It broke my world as she was my protector, my guardian. My grandma would always make me feel special and believed in me. When she died it's as if the last shred of light got snuffed out. It was now not dark but pitch black. I did not handle it well and I ceased being. Like I just put the lid on my light and buried it under concrete and layers of crap. I was not alive anymore. Dead woman walking. I became a 'Customer Service Person' I 'wanted' to be an actress. I 'was' 'customer service'. I lost my identity completely. It was gone before my Grandma passed but she reflected the last bit of light in me, without her I couldn't see it. I was lost.

It was 2005 - 4 years after my grandma died when a true blessing, a Miracle from God occurred. I’d heard about Jensen Ackles new TV show ‘Supernatural’ he is such a wonderful actor and I loved him in 'Dark Angel. I downloaded the pilot and sat at my computer to watch it. Suddenly from nowhere this overwhelming feeling of ‘I want to do that’ came up. I was so excited and felt that passion rise up in me that had been dead for such a long time. From that moment I found my love for acting again. It reminded me why I do what I do and keep going. ‘Supernatural’ has also been a great means of escape. Whenever I feel down I just pop on an episode and it lifts me up. I love the fact that Eric Kripke got the balance right. You have great writing, acting, directing it's all just amazing. It is a dream of mine to act on the show I’d love to be able to give back what the show has given me and maybe inspire some people with a character I play and be part of that universe. I do have a lot to thank everyone for. It’s weird as I doubt any of them realise how things affect people. I would love to shake Eric’s hand and say ‘Thank you’ to him for making me inspired again.

That show flipped the lights back on for me. So I began to see myself as an actress again. It's been 5 years of watching that show, and building up my foundations. But it has taken me 20 odd years to get to a place of peace and awareness of the light that is me. Even now as I write I am still letting go of old patterns. As you all know I am at the Jobcentre at the moment. It has been very painful lately. I am being sent to this place to 'help me find work' I am scared as I am an actress, writer and Healer, that's not scary, but what is is that I worry they will not support and I have felt like there are hands pulling me down, keeping me in the old. I say 'ENOUGH' and I know I am going to speak up.

This is why I wrote these blogs - to Speak up, speak out, find my voice and spread the love and light. Right now I have to say the biggest fear I have is being forced back to 'Customer Services' to the disguise I made myself into. I AM NOT HER ANYMORE. This I know. So I choose to take what I have been learning and do my affirmations, talk to my friends, be honest and authentic, loving and open to the highest good there is.

Also there is something you should all know - DON'T BE AFRAID TO FEEL YOUR FEELINGS. Whatever they are - born of love or born of fear. Feel them. They're yours. They are lessons. They are gifts. Express them. Release them. It's ok to feel. You can let yourself feel the anger and not punch someone. You can feel the hate and not cause another nor yourself any harm. Just be. Be with whatever is there. Be the observer. Be aware of all that you feel. Notice the anger but also notice the peace and stillness. Notice the anxiety but also notice the excitement and joy. Notice the fear but also notice the love. You are so many things, each one of you, be them all but choose wisely. If you do not like what you experience then choose something that feels better. That's the beauty - you choose. You don't have to suffer anymore, you can choose to let it go and welcome Joy. That is exactly what is happening to me right now. This cycle of suffering I have been on for the last 20 odd years has now reached its end and the new cycle of Joy has begun. In this transition stage, the great changes feel more then I can understand but I know this wave of change is bringing me freedom. Though I feel such fear I also feel the boundless love. For every negative emotion I feel a positive. I am almost home. Where my light is free to just be. I choose to celebrate this change.

I wish to share with you two things: First is a beautiful poem written by my dear friend Mark. He kindly has allowed me to share his words with you. I feel there is a deep message here about the paths we walk and how we can walk a different path if we choose.:

OUR JOURNEY　

THIS PATH I TREAD LEADS ME AGAIN TO DISTANT LANDS THAT HOLD NO FAVOUR WITH ME
RUTTED AND STEEP THE JOURNEY DEMANDS ALL OF MY STRENGTH, BUT RETURNS LITTLE COMFORT OR HOPE FOR MY SALVATION.

YET AS I SEEK A GLIMPSE OF RADIANT LIGHT FROM THAT DULL DECEPTIVE HORIZON, WHISPERS ENTER MY BEING LIKE A COLD BREEZE STOPPING ME IN MY TRACKS, FORCING ME TO STAND STILL AND LISTEN TO SOME ANCIENT THOUGHT JABBING AT MY MIND WITHOUT RELENTING UNTIL WITHOUT WARNING IT DRIFTS AWAY LEAVING NOTHING BUT A HUNGER THAT DRIVES ME ON ONCE AGAIN.

ETERNITY WAS NEVER MEANT TO TORTURE MY STEPS BUT HERE I WALK PAIN UPON PAIN , WAITING FOR A REASON TO STOP AND LAY DOWN, EVER KNOWING MY SOLITUDE WAS OF MY OWN DESIGN, EVER KNOWING THE SEEDS SEWN WOULD BE HARVESTED AND FED TO ME ON A PLATTER OF SUCH GUILT THAT MY OWN SOUL RAN FROM ME IN DESPAIR.

TO SEEK MY JOURNEYS END I MUST LOOK BACK UPON THAT PATH LONG WALKED, SEE WITH EYES OF LOVE AND COMPASSION AND TRUST WITHOUT HESITATION MY NEW DESTINATION, AND WITH MY HUNGER FED I STRIDE FORTH TO REJOIN WITH MY SOUL AT MY JOURNEYS END.

By Mark Miller

The second, in the theme of the paths we choose and Journeying home, is this song I wrote a while ago called 'Heart Speak' it's message is simple : say what's in your heart even if it isn't nice and clean. Speak your truth. It will set you free.:

Heart Speak

I try to shake away the dust
all these shadows fall from me
underneath all there is is light
blank canvas crystal clean

Danced upon these broken shells
felt the cuts in my feet
never meant to hurt myself
all the bruises the terror screams

Chorus
and if I whisper loud enough
will the world hear what I have to say?
and if I lie down in the road
will people just keep on walking over me?
and if I said what's in my heart
even if it wasn't nice and clean?
though I mean not to hurt anyone
will they still stay away from me?


I try to lick away the dirt
all the dead skin falls like snow
underneath all is raw and red
brand new rainbow soul

Danced upon these burning coals
felt the fire scold my feet
never meant to stay so long
all the mistakes the blistered dreams

Chorus

Danced upon golden sands
felt the love between my toes
never dreamed I'd have to leave
that's just how the story goes

I feel like I've lost my best friend
I feel like I am not good for anyone
people seem to be dropping like flies
moving on, moving on, moving on
what have I done?

Chorus
and if I give you enough
will you want to come back in?
and if I left here today
would you even notice?
and if I said what's in my heart
even if it wasn't nice and clean?
though I mean you no harm
would you really hear me?
and if I whisper loud enough
will the world hear what I have to say?
and if I lie down in the road
will people just keep on walking over me?
and if I said what's in my heart
even if it wasn't nice and clean?
though I mean not to hurt anyone
will they still stay away from me?

I try to shake away the dust
I try to stop the bleeding
I try to open up my heart
I try to accept the healing
I try to lick away the dead skin
I try to let the guilt go
I try to let you in
I try to find my way home

Open your heart Dear Ones and hear the song of your soul. Each of you has the power to be who you were born to be and who you choose to be.

The late great William Shakespeare was full of spiritual wisdom. He littered his plays with it. "To be or not to be, that is the question" Shakespeare's wisest most profound words if you ask me. and " All the world is a stage, the men and women merely players" Shakespeare showed us the importance of play - the world is our play ground. So what did you wish to be when you were children? what have you chosen to be now? does it differ from that of your dear child? Or is it the same just more of it? is there anything would like to choose different?

I always knew acting was for me. Being creative and spiritual. I always knew that love was where I felt truly home. Inspiring people, reaching out to touch an audience's soul. What a gift! I saw 'Hair' (it's a musical about hippies and the Vietnam war) in the west end and at the end they invited the audience on stage to dance and sing with the cast. I was terrified but I got up there and as I danced and sang I looked out at the audience and around at the audience members and cast members around me and I had this moment of awareness , I could feel the love and how each person, myself included, was being moved by these actors, and I knew that this is who I am meant to be-choose to be, spreading the love and light to the world through my creative/spiritual gifts and talents.

Most people don't dare to dream as big as the universe and as wide as they can. I dream that big. I dream about acting on 'Supernatural' on 'Dr who', with Jonny Depp and Meryl Streep. I dream about the kind of roles I'll play - getting to do an action movie where I get to do martial arts use weapons , do wirework and basically kick arse. Doing a comedy with Jim Carey and Steve Carrell, maybe an action with Matt Damon and a period drama with James McAvoy and Judi Dench. The list and dreams go on and get bigger and bigger. I believe that it is possible. I believe you can never dream 'too big' So I invite you all to rediscover your dreams and passions and breathe life into any area in your life that feels flat. Go blow bubbles, go dance around your living room, go to the park and feed the ducks, go take part in an open mic night, do that art class, that acting class, take photos of your world, bake cupcakes and cookies with faces on, sing out loud, enter your poems or stories into that competition, take those risks, travel to places that excite you and amaze you. Be the magic, the life, the love, the light. Do whatever moves your spirit and makes you feel alive and whole. Be your authentic self and never let anyone place chains upon you. Believe me, I know what those chains can do. And if you are in chains break free, reclaim your power from the places you gave it to. It may be a painful journey and you may feel like giving up but don't. DON'T GIVE UP. EVER. You are all so beautiful, so dazzling and loved. Be like the stars in the night sky, shine your love and light as bright and as big as you can. That's how we see the stars from where they are, coz they don't need to be fearful nor worried to shine their brightest. They just shine.

I would like to share with you this final quote - this time from David Ackert. an actor.

" Actors are some of the most driven, courageous people on the face of the earth. They deal with more day-to-day rejection in one year than most people do in a lifetime. Every day, actors face the financial challenge of living a freelance lifestyle, the disrespect of people who think they should get 'real' jobs, and their own fear that they'll never work again. Each day they have to ignore the possibility that the vision to which they have dedicated their lives is a pipe dream. With every passing year, many of them watch as the other people their age achieve the predictable milestones of normal life - the car, the family, the house, the nest egg.
But they stay true to their dream, in spite of sacrifices. Why? Because actors are willing to give their entire lives to a moment - to that line, that laugh, that gesture, or that interpretation that will stir the audience's soul. Actors are beings who have tasted life's nectar in that crystal moment when they poured out their creative spirit and touched another's heart. In that instant, they were as close to magic, God, and perfection as anyone could ever be. And in their own hearts, they know that to dedicate oneself to that moment is worth a thousand lifetimes"

Amen to that. I am happy to say I am one of them - The Actors. I have chosen to dedicate my life to being creative and stirring the audiences soul. It is who I choose to be. I have the right to exist now as the creative being I am. I am not afraid of my truth. To be authentic with you all. It is a liberation. I thank you for sticking with me it's been a long one huh. I thank you for your support, your love and your wisdom. You are each a gift you give to all those who you come into contact with. I am humbled by the gifts you have given me.

Now its time to wish you well on your journey. Here is a link to a very inspirational song by Brandon Heath called 'Love never fails':

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8nQy-aP_Koo

Live.Laugh.Love.Celebrate.Forgive.Accept.Be

Just BE.

Love and light

Mandy