The Authentic Self: the Art of Giving and Receiving

My initial intention was to write one blog a month. There has been so much chaos hurtling around me and through me I have not been able to put pen to page till now. Even now I am unsure of how clear I can write. This will be another uber-blog so buckle in : )

I have been on somewhat of a spiritual detox over the last few months with so much coming out and so many new discoveries. I apologise if this blog is not as fluid as others I have written. It mirrors my experience over the last few months lots of stops and starts. I've been experiencing so many triggers since late December it's been like dodging bullets trying to avoid a direct hit. Sometimes one gets me off guard and it's like 'oh crap, now I gotta deal with it'. The biggest triggers have been to do with love, trust and acceptance which has got me thinking a lot about what it truly means to be authentic and learning to allow myself to give and receive from a healthier, balanced place. Trusting in my own intuition again as well as the people that are around me.

Trust is hard once you have had your trust broken you cannot even comprehend how you will ever trust again. I spent so long believing in things and people that were nothing but illusion. I got profoundly disappointed time and time again til I was filled with complete disillusionment in my experience. I stopped trusting myself and those around me especially men. there's these lyrics to this song by Kendall Payne they speak the truth for me she sings in her song 'Belonging'

" When you’ve been wounded, deeply wounded by a friend
You wonder when, if ever, you will trust again
When you’ve been broken, deeply broken by a man
You wonder when, if ever, you will love again"

Truth is I have been here for such a long time in this place of hurt and distrust I forgot that I ever felt empowered and loved to begin with.

I've been led on so many paths lately. I have felt change grab me by the collar and yank me in different directions. I was all set to start up my Angel Guidance readings and Reiki business when I got this job as an actress. Now this was a dream to get to act every day. I felt so blessed. Since I have been working in this job the last 3 months I have felt I have neglected my spiritual side. I haven't done a reading for anyone I just can't seem to focus. All I see is work. It occurred to me that I was going to avoid my acting by setting up the Reiki and readings. As I am meant to be both creative and spiritual in this lifetime. This job came for me to finally embrace my creative self equally as I have embraced my spiritual self. After all they are both two sides of the same coin. I have even been faced with all the left over fears about my spiritual gifts by working at The London Dungeons as an actress. It's not exactly the best of places for someone like me as the building itself has spirits. So I must be either a glutton for punishment or completely stupid to be working there but hey I love how the universe can know you better then you know yourself and put you in the places you need to be in order to achieve what you need to. This entire experience has been filled with so much learning. I have been releasing eons of old patterns and beliefs, they have shifted in waves of such darkness and fear when once have passed leave behind the most peaceful of beaches.

One of the major things I have discovered is that we are both children of the earth and children of the sky. We all came from the oneness into existence here on earth ; believing we were separate when in fact we never lose our connection. We are all having individual experiences within the context of Infinite Love. The illusions we create of separateness is so that we can experience all we are not so that we may find our way back to all that we are and the oneness from whence we came. It's like what Neale Donald Walsh wrote in his 'Conversations with God' books . We are up there in the Infinite Love and we decide what we would like to experience and who we wish to be in this incarnation. Then we get everything in place all the souls who will help us achieve what we have set out to and off we go into the tunnel. Once in our physical bodies we begin to forget everything we chose as all the things that are not us and not what we want come into our space filling us with so called Darkness. It's this so called Darkness that allows us to remember who we chose to be and why we are here. Now being earthbound can be difficult. I know I have found it very hard to be on this planet. I did this amazing birthing ritual with Sobonfu Somé who is this incredible lady from a tribe in Africa who teaches people their rituals. One of her gifts is she knows and understands the reasons behind peoples births. I was always ill as a child I had ear infections (which was caused by my being sensitive to spirits and angels even at such a young age) I had umpteen operations, broke my arm, had lots of fevers etc. It turns out this was coz my spirit was looking for a way out. It was such a revelation one that made me feel like finally I understood what was going on. I am still learning to properly ground myself. When we are too much earth or too much sky it causes imbalance which can come in many forms. I am sure you've all heard the expression : he/she's got their head in the clouds. It's when you find yourself unable to focus, daydreaming, getting carried away like some fairytale princess by her white knight. Your 'Away with the faeries' 'on cloud 9'. What has happened is you have floated up out your body and are walking around completely ungrounded. Also some foods and drinks : alcohol, caffine, sugar, any drugs, harsh conditions and energies around you can all unground you, even electrical appliances like TV's, computers. You can feel dizzy and unfocused like you're not in your body. You can also feel too heavy and cluttered in your head. I have realised that to be grounded is not just having your feet planted firmly rooted in the earth but also to be connected to the oneness in the sky. To have the stability and security of the earth and the freedom of the sky.

Another major discovery has been my throat chakra opening up and wanting to be heard. My voice has been stifled. I have been afraid to speak up. I spent so long having an attitude of letting others go first and letting them shine and have their say while I stayed in the background. To speak up and hear my own voice even when it is through these blogs it shocks me. I suppose that's what these blogs are teaching me, they are helping me find my voice.

Everybody wants to be seen and heard. We all have a part of us that screams for the whole world to be still and notice that we are here. Sometimes this voice is so loud it creates an imbalance in one of two ways: either you become someone who is loud and gregarious demanding attention totally a 'MeMeMe' or you swing round the other way to become the one who pleases others in the hope they will see you, you berate yourself and can be desperate and needy. All you need do is to listen to what your voice is saying, how old are you? any feelings or memories there?. My voice is three year old me she screams that she doesn't want to be hidden anymore, she wants to come play in the light. I have been doing all I can to make it so.

From the screaming voice I have learnt that I have that body dysmorphia . I cannot see my own beauty at all. I honest to god look in the mirror and see this ugly, fat monster. It's crazy! I know I am not these things as my friends say how lovely I am. This fear to been seen has created this disguise. Behind the glass I cannot see what others see I only see what the ego tells me in the shape of those negative thoughts and put-downs. Especially when I have feelings for a guy oh my ego has a field day 'who'd want me? Of course he is not interested in you' etc so I just stay silent afraid of being rejected . I am thankful I am aware enough to know the truth of things and that is I am willing to see my own beauty. I am willing to know that we are all loved regardless of what others may or may not feel for us. I think we all have this dysmorphia in some shape or form. We all want to be thin enough, more attractive, we all have that voice that is screaming abuse at us on a daily basis. It takes a lot of practice to shut it up. I am still having to on a daily basis catch these thoughts before they manifest fully and replace them with something more loving. Some days are easier than others. Whenever we are tired or not 100% the ego gets in there with all its negative thoughts it will go to the past find that similar experience and tell you over and over again that 'this will happen'. When we are feeling good and grounded filled with faith in ourselves the ego cannot touch us it cannot take control. The important thing is patience., patience to allow thing to rise and fall, going with the flow of life.

Now I know everyone wants a quick fix for things we live in a society where everything is fast paced and instant. At the touch of a button you can get a hot drink, heat up a meal, call someone, find information on anything. To have to 'do it the old fashioned way' getting down and dirty in the mess to dig around for what you are searching for is far less appealing then pressing a magic button and 'TADA!' instant solution. It's like choosing to be love does not necessarily create a quick fix to feeling and experiencing love it just brings you opportunities to keep choosing love knowing the more you choose it the more the darkness will fade and the light will fully be realized within your being. You gotta listen to those thoughts and see which ones keep repeating. Then you gotta go through fifty feet of crap to get to the next level then another fifty feet etc till you get to the root, the core. One seed creates lots of other branches of other thoughts connected to this one core one. I am no more damaged or broken than anyone else. Every person is flawed in some way we've all seen some horror and been broken beyond repair but what we don't realize is that's what makes us beautiful.

I want to share with you this quote by Eleanor Roosevelt:

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.”

And you can. You will. it really does get easier as it goes along. It's simple just keep choosing the highest good for you and everyone, keep opening up to the divine love that is within you.

Another powerful lesson is that of learning to rely on others. I always do everything myself I never ask for help, never expect anything from anyone . It was a note I received from Mike Tooley who has this amazing website that sends you 'notes from the universe' each day. Well this particular one said:

"Just curious, Mandy Lee, but when was the last time you relied upon me? You know, consciously realized you weren't alone as you went about your daily affairs, choosing a path, finding a parking space, or a new friend, or a great idea... and expected, at least, a little something?
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
Well, let's just say we do it more often.
and Mandy Lee, let there be no day you greet, no room you walk into, no street you drive upon, no plane you fly, no boardroom you rally, no mountain you climb, no parking lot, dance floor, beer hall, or Jacuzzi you frequent, that you don't consciously realize you aren't alone, and expect a little something.

K?
The Universe"

It got me thinking how I never let anyone do anything for me, oh I can do for others I can give like you wouldn't believe it's so easy. Now receiving on the other hand is another kettle of fish. I seem to put a cap upon all the good stuff it's like I can only get x amount a month. But I don't put a cap on the unpleasant stuff. I seem to greet the bad stuff with open arms stepping forward like I deserve this yet anything good comes along I approach with hesitation. I am learning to allow both sides to move freely. To know there is no limit to the amazing experiences I can have. It's like casting a stone into the water. If the stone's cast in anger the ripples cause anger. If the stone's cast in sadness the ripples cause sadness. And if the stone is thrown with the intention of letting go of all you no longer need, bringing into your life all that you do need, then the ripples will carry these things to you. There is this quote I wrote at the end of a play I wrote called 'SoulDance' it goes :

“ Like the ripples of stones thrown into the water. Each Soul is affected and touched by another. Be who you are. Accept and love every part. And join the SoulDance”

True authenticity comes when you stop adhering to what others expect of you and begin to become who and what you choose to be. Trust in your own intelligence to guide you on your soul path. Shine your own lighthouse beacon out into the world calling forth to you all your light experiences and the parts of you that are ready to come home. It's time. You are safe. Let it be.

It's ok to accept help when going through things. When you rely upon the universe you are not handing over the reigns of your life you're merely allowing the universe to sit there beside you, so if you pause unsure or start to veer in the wrong direction, the universe can just give you a nudge and you can correct yourself.

It's strange as I remember writing my first blog and how scary it felt to expose these parts of myself to whoever was reading what I was sharing. I feel the same way now sitting here typing away filled with this nervousness, like somehow I have come full circle. Maybe now I am just willing to acknowledge the part that is afraid, letting it know that to bare one's self, so that our canvas is clean white is the starting point to creating the magnificent shiny new masterpiece that we were born to be.

I'd like to leave this dialogue with the lyrics for the song 'What you are' by Jewel. It speaks for itself.

What you are - jewel

"I'm driving around town
Kinda bored with the windows rolled down
See a girl on the bus stop bench
Dressed to draw attention

Hoping everyone will stare
If she don't stand out she thinks she'll disappear
Wish I could hold her, tell her, show her
What she wants is already there

A star is a star
It doesn't have to try to shine
Water will fall
A bird just knows how to fly

You don't have to tell a flower how to bloom
Or light how to fill up a room
You already are what you are
And what you are is beautiful

Heard a story the other day
Took place at the local VA
A father talking to his dying son
This was his conversation

"It's not supposed to be like this
You can't go first I can't handle it"
The boy said "Dad now don't you cry,
Remember when I was a child what you used to tell me when I'd ask why?"
(You'd say) Gravity is gravity
It doesn't try to pull you down
Stone is stone
It can't help but hold it's ground

The wind just blows, though you can't see
It's everywhere like I'll always be
You already are what you are
And what you are is strong enough

Look in the mirror
Now that's another story to tell
I give love to others
But I give myself hell

I'd have to tell myself
"In every seed there's a perfect plan"
Everything I hoped to be
I already am

A flower is a flower
It doesn't have to try to bloom
And light is light
Just knows how to fill a room

And dark is dark
So the stars have a place to shine
The tide goes out
So it can come back another time

Goodbye makes a Hello so sweet
And love is love so it can teach us
We already are what we are
And what we are is beautiful

And strong enough
And good enough
And bright enough

We are stars in each other's skies"

til next time

all my love and light

Mandy