Unwrapping the gift

Ok so this is not going to be like the other blogs as I am doing it a bit different. I feel what with everything I have been experiencing I just want to share some songs and poems I have written. I have had a very hard few months been knocked around all over the place and am currently having a complete crisis of faith. I have never had this before I always knew things, now I find myself not knowing anything at all. All things that come are a gift even if they seem like the worst present anyone could ever give you, they are still a gift you just gotta pass the parcel with it for a long time, peeling back all the layers of sand paper, fire, pain, barbed wire, thorns and gravel etc to get to the softer things like silk and velvet til you reach the end and the surprise within - the gift. I feel I have been unwrapping this current gift for so long its all a blur to me now, yet still I unwrap the layers through emotions being let out via crying, hitting pillows, writing songs and poems, letters and just writing it all out.

I just want to share this that Doreen Virtue wrote:

Trust, even if your future seems uncertain.
Trust, even if you have no idea how your situation could ever improve.
Trust, even if you feel alone and abandoned.
Trust, even if your heart is shattered.
Trust, because your strength comes from trusting that everything always gets better with time, that miracles do occur, and that prayers are answered in illogical ways.
Trust, because we need you to continue living and shining your light, and a lot of people love and depend upon you.
Trust, because God loves you for who you are right now and has a wonderful plan in works for you that you can't yet see or feel . . . but you soon will. Don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle!
Trust.

This really struck a cord in me. I have been hurting for a while now because I took a risk and allowed myself to love someone, allowed myself to really want to let this person in and share with them a great friendship with maybe something more down the line but even if that never happened it was the act of letting that person in. He brought down the walls in me I put up 9yrs ago when I had that same compulsion to let this other man in and he hurt me in such a cruel way telling me I was not a good person not good to be around. Then I let in this wonderful man 9yrs later who feels so easy to talk to, we have a lot in common, he genuinely seems to care and he turns out to be just like the last making me feel like Nathaneal was right about me, I am not a good person.

I have had the worst time been to A and E three times in the last two weeks with injuries, I got concussed when I fell off a horse, got hit it head again at work then before all this I nearly broke my hand and ended last year with the whole of 2011 falling out my arse! I keep waiting for the hidden camera to pop out and say 'it's all one big joke' But it's not all the physical injuries that are causing me the most discomfort , it's what that person said to me that I keep coming back to. Part of me knows he has his own set of issues that he projected upon me from his own back catalogue of 'Things to resist' I know I resisited what I felt for him as I did not want to fall in love I did not want to let another man in in that way, to show him my light just to have him do what nat did, but he did it anyway except this time he also told me to relax. In fact he kept repeating it throughout conversations we have had : Go with the flow, Relax, don't be so harsh with yourself. So how can someone who would say all these beautiful things (and even hug me after he had said the horrible stuff) also say the most hurtful. I took a risk I wanted to finally say to him how I felt how much I cared about him I didn't want the feelings I felt to get in the way anymore. I just wanted to know if we were mates or more and it did not warrent his reaction. I have never seen somone so annoyed at receiving a letter that tells them they are cared for. you'd have thought I had insulted his mother and punched him in the groin. It made me feel, what in me is so repulsive to men? why when I love I am treated like shit and i make them uncomfortable? I don't think I will ever understand. Hence the still unwrapping of this worst present in the entire world. Been unwrapping it since November and it don't look like am anywhere near the end.

Before I share this journey in song and poem with you I will say I was scared to write about this as it is so personal but I need to share this. I need someone else to know. Sometimes we can't just share our discomfort with just ourselves we need to release it into the arms of the world in the hope that some modicum of good can come of this mess, maybe someone reading this feels the same or can take comfort in the lyrics or poems perhaps heal some of their own pain, or discomfort. So here I am baring this to you all.

This is the Journey from beginning to where I am now in Song and Poem. :

Room to grow

You have changed my life
I don't think you realise all the little things you have attributed.
You have been there
there's always been a piece of you in every face I see and every word I write.
I know it may sound strange but you have changed my life.

You have changed me
beyond skin and bone, all the anonymous ways you have touched my soul.
You have healed me
with just the touch of your hand or your arms holding me tight while you kiss my crown and we talk about what I don't want to talk about.
I know it might sound out of the blue but dearheart I feel so much love for you.

Chorus

it feels like love but it looks like rain
You feel like home, in your arms I could stay
there's a humbling sound from deep within my soul
you give my heart room to grow.

You have changed my mind
by showing me a man can be kind
You have changed the way I am
with all the softness you bring out of me all the pink and vulnerability.
I know it might sound crazy but you do amaze me

You have changed my view
from black and gray I see Technicolor
You have changed what I believe
with all the feelings I can't help but feel all this love for you.
I know it might sound odd but it feels like you've been sent by God.

Chorus

This could still be in my head
I could still be asleep dreaming in bed
and I'm afraid of waking up to the realisation
you are just another broken piece that I cannot fix.

There's a quiet somewhere deep inside
tells me you could be right
after so much rejection I don't know how to believe
that you could love a girl like me
you may never know how you have changed me.

Chorus


The Dance

I will sing for you
I will fill the space with pretty noise
I will bare my soul for you
I will show you my masterpiece
Then we can dance

I will write you a sonnet
I will paint you all the colours of love
I will let you close enough to touch my spirit with your warm light
Then we can dance

Chorus

Promise me you will still be here after the winter's gone
Promise me you will let me stay forever in your arms
Promise me that these storms won't drive us apart
Promise me there's a place for me in your heart

I will trust in you and all you stand for
I will accept all your parts the light and the dark
I will share my secrets with you
Then we can dance

I will paint my heart for you
I will send up a flare to show you where I am
I will let you kiss every inch of skin
Then we can dance

Chorus

Say you will stay even if I seem afraid
Say you won't leave even if I push you away
Say you will be there with open arms ready for me to run
hold me close keep me safe from harm
Say you are ready to dance.....

Chorus x2

oh say there's a place for me in your heart
oh say that you are ready to dance
oh say there is a place for us.....


All these years

I was a child, wandering, this life unguarded, how was I, to know, you were the one who walked beside me. Entwining fingers through mine, so gentle I hardly felt it. You never left me alone.
I was a gypsy, always looking for exists, how was I, to know, you were the gravity keeping me here. Pulling me in each time I tried to run, so strong I couldn't ignore it. You never left me alone.

Chorus

All these years I was searching for something
All these years I was lost
All these years I dreamed of this love
and now you're here I know.

I was a sailor, searching, the world for answers, how was I, to know, you were the one who'd finally understand me. Matching minds & reflections, so revealing I hardly expected it. You never left me alone.
I was a fighter, always on the defensive, how was I, to know, you were the peace calming me like water. Bringing me back to the ground each time I ascended, so loving I couldn't catch my breath. You never left me alone.

Chorus

But you don't remember me yet
you don't know what I know
You don't see what I see
You don't believe.
You don't want what I want
You aren't there yet
You say you don't want to rush
You say you aren't ready for that friendship
I cannot be who you want me to be
You can't be what I need you to be
I've been making too much noise
It's time to turn the sound right down.

Chorus

Chorus 2

All these years I spent circling my island
All these years I was alone
All these years I dreamed they'd come a moment like this
and now you're here. I'm home
You'll never know.

Dusk is Dawn

Lets get out of our skin
slip into oblivion
ah-ha, ah-ha
Lets undress the words we say
read between the light and shade
ah-ha, ah-ha

Fit bewtween the earth and moon
delicate thoughts of me and you
ah-ha, ah-ha
Open waters, fields to run
laying upon grass basking in the sun
ah-ha, ah-ha

Chorus

and the tides are changing
da-da-da-dax4
and the times are perseuading
da-da-da-dax4
and life is moving on
til the dusk in dawn

Let's pretend, make-believe
dance into a daydream
ah-ha, ah-ha
Lets peel back all the paint
get out of each others way
ah-ha, ah-ha

Fit inside a box so small
precious diamonds from our souls
ah-ha, ah-ha
open hearts, songs to sing
Soul-Gazing with you the joy it brings
ah-ha, ah-ha

Chorus

it's not over
the cycle will begin again
it's not over
entwining lovers and faithfull friends
it's not over
rain will fall the sun will shine
it's not over
again and again we fall into each others lives

Chorus

til the dusk in dawn

ah-ha, ah-ha,ah-ha, ah-ha x4

China:

I've been hiding all my tears
I've been hiding all my fears
I've been hiding all these years
I wanted to reveal all to you

I've been broken by every man
I've been to hell and back
I've been hoping someone would finally understand
and want me too

Chorus:

I've got all this love for you and nowhere for it to go
I feel all this love for you and there's nowhere for it to go.

I've been hiding all my light
I've been hiding all my power
I've been hiding all this time
I wanted you to see the woman I am

I've been afraid to trust
I've been afraid to be intimate
I've been hoping one day I would be enough
and you'd finally notice me.

Chorus:

I am not Ok
though I now it won't last forever
I am not Ok
though I know it won't last.x2

Chorus:

Leap frog

I took a leap and fell
I picked up all the dust from many years past
I took it into my clothes I didn't want to waste any
I felt the Pacific, Indian and Atlantic oceans fall from my eyes
I made new oceans on the carpet and in my hands
I threw my arms back letting the waters engulf me
I didn't care that God and the angels could see
that all my loved ones could watch me lay myself bare and raw
I just knew I didn't care and that was enough for me

I took a leap and fell
I saw the same view from a hundred lifetimes back
I collected all the pictures I didn't want to leave a thing out
I saw all the faces, old, young, lovers, haters broken pieces shaking within
I made new pictures from the leftovers
I punched out the anger into pillows and unleashed my screams
I didn't care that I felt violence and shame
that I detached from my mind as my fists pummelled silk and cotton
I just knew I was angry and that was enough for me

I took a leap and fell
it hurt like all the other times
I finally stopped believing in anyone
and I began to believe in myself
I reached into nothing and pulled back a spark

I took a leap and fell
it hurt and I will do it again until the day comes where I soar

Divine Love

I stood there facing the ocean
a golden ball of light blazed above in a silver sky
I felt the heat of Divine Love tingle my skin
I warmed up and I beamed a smile so wide

I knew I could stay here forever
basking in light and love
I knew that dreams were real here
I felt my foot step forward

I entered the white lovelight and I saw a giant circle
All my friends and family were there,
people I work with even people I have not met
They all held hands seemed so happy and at peace
There was a space between two familiar faces
I stared from my place outside

I stood there frozen to the spot
a fear in my belly suddenly forgetting how to move
I heard the old tapes playing inside my head
I felt the crippling self-doubt
I felt a sadness wanting so much to join in but feeling unwelcome

Then I see it
by my side a guardian angel hand on my shoulder
I feel the love pour in.
I feel supported
Then a familiar face calls to me
He tells me 'I'm sorry. It's ok' and he smiles
he holds out his hand as does the other familiar face
she knows me best she makes me laugh.

I feel my feet glide towards the outstretched hands
As I hold them I feel a surge of electricity
It connects me to them, to the entire circle
I no longer feel alone and separated
I am one
We are all one
Joined by this divine love that moves through us all.


Berlin

With a touch you brought down the Berlin Wall
I was left exposed for all the world to see
Without a sound I heard my heart beat
The music shocked me.

With ten words you broke the china in my hands
I was humiliated , so ashamed I hid my eyes
The pain of your thorned words bled me dry
I cried and I cried and you believed all was fine.

Chorus:

You said I made you uncomfortable
You said such hurtful things to me
All those times your arms gave me comfort
All those times we talked like water and laughed like the breeze
You once said you cared about me
You once said you loved that I was an open book
You once said we get on like a house on fire
Then you took a breath and the wind changed
Things will never be the same.

With one hug you pulled me back into my body
I was there for the first time on the ground
Without warning I felt love jump up in me
The feeling threw me completely

With one reaction you undid all the good you had done
I was left hanging above a familiar landscape
The rejection was not what I expected
I thought we were at least friends
I hurt and I keep hurting
You don't know how hard I am trying

Chorus:

With just one look I saw something in you
With just a letter I tried to tell you
Instead of receiving my words with the love they were sent
You turned them inside out without ever knowing what I meant.

I see how other girls talk to you how I did, what's the difference?
All I did was have love for you tell me what's so bad?
I never deserved those hurtful things you said.

all the other times they left I never had to see them again
you're still there, I told you I don't handle this very well

Chorus:

I feel the walls holding it all in
don't know if they will ever come down again
I hope one day I heal all these wounds
and find someone that loves me too
I once I believed it could be you.