Love. We all want it. We all feel it. It's a lot of things. It's your parents, siblings, your family (whether you get on or you don't they still love you. Just gets buried sometimes under fear.) it's friendships, meeting up then getting home only to call each other and talk for a few more hours, it's sharing inside jokes, it's finding what you want to do for the rest of your life, what gets you out of bed in the mornings, it's staring into the eyes of your twin flame - matching mirrors, your true companion and partner, it's holding your baby in your arms, it's where we were all born from and where we'll all eventually return someday.
I've not been lucky with the romantic love. I have met the who's who of human crap. Truth is I do not understand the etiquette of 'Relationship'. Sadly it's just something I have not experienced. Oh I dated (one guy) I fell in love (another guy) I liked a whole lot of other guys, It's just none of them could ever actually go there. Maybe I'm not attractive enough? Maybe I'm not thin enough? Maybe I'm not good enough? What's wrong with me that I must be that unlovable? Truth is nothing's wrong. I've just been unfortunate to not have met the right people.
There's this misconception that floats around that if you get to a certain age and you haven't kissed someone, dated X amount of people, lost your virginity there's something wrong with you. Oh no one will ever say anything but you get 'the look' and the off-hand comment, a silence. Whatever it may be you get the impression there's something wrong with you. . I saw an interview with Matt Smith and Karen Gillan where she had said her first kiss was at 15 to which Matt Smith replied that it was late. My first kiss was at 19. It wasn't what I thought. He was no gentleman. I mean is there really some hand book out there saying you are supposed to have had so-so experience at a certain age? Coz if there is I would love to see it! I think it's crap and it doesn't matter what age you may be it will happen when it is the right time for you. I mean look at Lisa Kudrow- Phoebe from Friends - she lost her virginity to her husband at 31. It's not as big a deal as we all like to make it out to be. We put far too much pressure upon ourselves and other people. We give love conditionally. We feel the hurt and pain if that love is not returned. If we just realised that we are all made of love, we are each a piece of God, walking around, connecting to people, sharing and experiencing this great journey we call life together. Its then we realise that to simply be love we attract love, by loving without condition we open our hearts to a much richer and deeper experience. Next time you feel angry or are met with a situation where a person is being unpleasant just stop, breathe and say
" I love you, I forgive you, I respect you, all is well."
It's pretty powerful as you are not just saying this to that person but to your own self. Also a wonderful thing to say is "Love, always love" William Roach wrote this in his autobiography 'Soul on the street' . It is a quick reminder to be loving.
Then we have Fear. It's that prickling uncertainty that walks down your spine, its your stomach in knots, your heart in your throat, it's seeing that shadow move in the corner of your eye, its the monster under the bed, the spider in the bathroom, its all the bumps and moans in the night. Its the ego and lower self telling you scary stories. Fear knows the past it does not know the present or future so when you experience something it will go to the past, find a similar experience and say
' there. this will happen'
It's like a record stuck on a loop, it's just the diminuendo's whereas Love is actual music, it's the crescendo's, it's exciting and each experience is new and fresh. Although you may experience the diminuendo's they are barely noticed as you are lifted by the music and the joy of following life's song. Each of us has our own music to which we dance through life, its a matter of closing your eyes, stilling yourself and listening......quiet.......still.......don't try too hard............there. Can you hear it? that is your song, your pace that you move through life. If you follow your own rhythm you can never go wrong. : )
The path of Fear is this plain dusty road, flat and all the same, it's not scary just familiar. But the path of love is resplendent, beautiful, lush with vegetation, waterfalls and forests, it's exciting and there's animals, magic. Yet there can be fear there, fear of the unknown. It's best to gradually build up the path of love. Maybe add a tree to the dusty path, see the road become pathed in gold or rainbows, see a butterfly flutter by. Anything. It's your path. That's the best bit, you get to choose.
I want to share this experience with you all that I had yesterday. I had been having so much doubt about my acting, the kind that made me feel crippled by insecurity. It came about by my thinking: thinking I was not doing enough, thinking about other people's expectations and what they wanted from me, thinking about not auditioning in a very long time, thinking about not having an agent, thinking about everything apart from what really matters: my love for performing, for play.
So I went to the park and held the question 'what does it mean to truly commit to my acting?' in my mind. I first saw two trees sharing one trunk, then I saw three trees sharing one trunk and heard how it represents the things I do: acting, writing, healing/readings. Then I saw one tree big and strong when I looked up it had these thick branches reaching up like a hand to the sky, covered in leaves and I felt empowered seeing this tree reaching for all its dreams. I heard how you have a strong base/foundation you do not separate yourself you know that you are a healer and your chosen vessel for healing is acting, writing and reiki/readings. They are branches of the same tree. I also realized that I am thinking too much about what other people want, what they expect and think of me. I was going to apply for jobs I know don't feel right out of fear and to please others. I asked myself what I want, what my desires are and I listed off so many things: freedom, love, empowerment, meaning, acting, being creative, life, colour, magic etc etc I kept going. I felt lifted as I realized I need to know its ok to want things and have desires even if there are people that don't understand it, even if I feel I just need a quick solution to a problem, I don't have to do something that feels wrong. The angels are listening and I guess I just need to start asking and expecting the help (bearing in mind not to control how it may come) .
Every positive emotion is born of Love and every negative emotion is born of Fear.
I spend the majority of my time either in a radiant state of love or the depths of fear based feelings. Right now I'm coming up to 29 years old, I live with my parents, I have no job, I sign on at the job centre and I am an actress, which, lets face it doesn't exactly breed security and I doubt and question my choice of career (even though I often say Acting chose me as I quit twice and it kept coming back like a bloody boomerang) I flap more times than a bird in flight, scream into pillows (god bless Louise Hay) to let out the frustration. And I don't breathe. Seriously, when I get in a flap and stress I stop breathing! Don't ask me how I'm still alive I couldn't tell you! : )
I have to remind myself to stop and take a Happy Breath in (I love that 'Happy Breath' got that little gem from Danielle Allen who taught me voice production at city lit)
I love to inject humour in what I write as let's face it life is funny! Life is like one giant fart - no stay with me - it's funny yet it can stink and sometimes you get crap! Sorry was that too far?...Wait....come back!
In the end its up to us which path we choose is it Love? or is it Fear?
I know I choose Love.
Which one do you?
Till next time my friends, Keep laughing at life and loving every moment!
Mandy
PS: Feel free to share experiences and let me know if there are any particular areas you would like covered.
