Stress, Pressure and Guilt - The Power of the Mind

Lately I have been so caught up in my own negativity. My inner critic has been running a riot, having a field day being loud and proud! Every single thing has been causing me great irritation, every persons voice (especially that of my own family) has been like fingers down a black board. I have felt all this energy that is unpleasant around me, all this noise in my head. I just want it all to SHUT UP. A couple days ago I had a really bad day. I mean all that has been going on with my inner tormentor literally just blew up in my face. I had not been sleeping again and had spent the early afternoon at the place I go to from the job centre to look for work. I just sat there in front of the screen feeling lost and empty. I had run out of jobs to apply for. I had already applied for countless jobs I did not want to just appease the job centre, though it went against every fibre of my being. I felt there is no choice. So I sat there trying to think of more boring places to work and just ran out of them. I just wanted to relax and be and allow myself to do what I love. Still seeking approval from the people at the job centre like their sole opinion mattered and would mean I am allowed to 'play' for a living.

Then in the evening I had an acting class. I wasn't gonna go as felt so low but thought having a play will lift my spirits. Well the person taking the class chatted for about 3hrs and I felt so utterly bored. I felt like I was at school and I just wasn't interested in sitting there having a lecture about things. I felt unintelligent about my own creativity. I don't remember what I learnt about Stanislavski, I don't know about The Method or the countless other 'Techniques' used in acting. For me I just 'do' . So hearing the person as well as others talking about all this made me feel I m not qualified to act. Again this was my inner tormentor in full swing. Anyway at one point the person was saying to various people about what makes you, you and said things like 'why did you wear your hair like that etc' suddenly he turned to me and said 'Why did you put on those clothes' I literally felt my entire being jolt and he could see this and quickly said 'I am not picking on you' and I knew he wasn't but I felt like I had just been singled out. I really felt myself back in school. It was most interesting.

On the way home I just cried so much. I had my umbrella up and was walking, sobbing. I got a bit lost and couldn't find the station and I stood there sobbing saying 'I don't know where I am, I'm lost, I don't know where I am' I was in a state. I eventually found my way back to the station and went home. I wrote in my journal when I got back as I knew I needed to let this emotion out. I realised that when I get like that and the stress and worry and self loathing is at that amount of intensity it feels like I am on a merry-go-round and I've been on it for so long I have forgotten how to get off. I need something to stop the ride and show me the exit., show me there is a whole fairground out there I can play with. When I say 'something' I mean something within me that clicks. You always hear how we all choose our thoughts but what if no one ever told you there was another option, no one ever said to you any different. So how can you flick a switch and bang! You think different. I tell you it takes a lot of practice. I mean even though I was in a state I was still recognising where it was from that I felt I was at school. I came to the realisation that I am bored hearing my own negativity. I do not believe what it says anymore. So now I am sure there will be a great change. I do not have a clue how it will occur nor what to do but I know there will be change.

All this experience has brought me is the inspiration to talk about Stress, Pressure , Guilt and how powerful our minds really are. To share this with you all. So already a positive has come. I hope you all find some little pockets of something helpful in these words for we are never alone.

We put so much stress and pressure upon ourselves and others. We even place it upon 'things' if we don't get that job....if we haven't achieved so and so by a certain age....the list goes on. I was told to have fun. How many of you feel guilty for enjoying yourself we have spare time we must fill it with anything that is work. Guilt is another big thing that is best friends with stress and pressure, they all feed one another. You get all kinds of guilt. I'm Jewish so I got Jewish guilt, then there's Asian guilt, Catholic guilt, Christian guilt, whatever type of guilt you have it really all amounts to the same translation : that there is some force out there that won't allow you to....(fill in the blank). Whether this force is God or Parents or Them, The Universe, doesn't matter . It's the little voice that tells you you can't. You see someone who is the same age as you, younger than you, a couple years older and they have achieved what you have yet to and you look at that person and think 'what's wrong with me?' You place them upon a pedestal and yourself in a bunker far away. It's the same with a man/woman - you have feelings for them and suddenly they go from being on your level to being 100 feet up in the air sitting on a golden thrown with a halo swimming around their head, you bow down to them 'I am not worthy oh great one' you worry how you look if you're gonna see them. I am sure each one of you has experienced that moment of 'I've got nothing to wear!' and feeling so stressed about what 'they' think. Sometimes we can silence our very own voice by agreeing with someone to not say something 'wrong' and risk being 'judged' by 'them'. I could sit here for a good hundred pages filling in all the stresses and pressures we place each day upon every thing we experience and every person we meet.

When we wake up in the morning we already have a million thoughts in our heads from how tired we may feel, the dreams the night before, all we have to do today if there are deadlines to make are we gonna make them, meetings, not wanting to get out of bed, any people we may not want to see or face. Or if you don't have a job what's the point what is there for me today, I have to find work if I don't do so and so 'they' will be let down. And if we hit the snooze button we feel guilty to take the extra ten minutes so spend with ourselves. So we spend an extra ten minutes berating rather than enjoying our selves. So before we have even opened our eyes and got out of bed there are a billion and one negative thoughts floating around our mind. How many times have you got out of bed after feeling really stressed and flustered only to stub your toe or bang your elbow, trip up on something. One time when I was especially grouchy I caught my foot on my chair leg and flew through the air narrowly missing the corner of my cupboard to land on my knees. You could say I was literally 'brought to my knees' by the universe. Now you can put it down to just another reason why everything sucks or you can stop take a minute and ask 'what is this here to teach me?' Coz every bump, bruise, accident, unpleasant person or situation, every single traffic jam, broken down car, every burglary, every single person you meet is a teacher baring a special message just for you. All that's needed is for you to just stop in that moment and ask 'what can I learn, what are you here to tell me, what's the message' however you feel comfortable to phrase it, you only need ask and you will be enlightened to the truth.

Worry+Stress+Pressure+Guilt = Struggle. And struggle makes life so much more a chore then the actual joyous celebration it truly is. Every tiny thing is hard and filled with an effort. Even breathing becomes unnatural. When we are faced with a challenge we can do one of two things we can see it as 'argh not another thing anything else you wanna throw at me' and let that event/experience become bigger then it is or we can choose to see it as a lesson we can learn from its like instead of seeing a traffic light and just waiting for it to change we see kilimanjaro and we struggle up the mountain when we could have just let the lights change. To coin the old phrase 'don't make a mountain out of a molehill'. I am learning now that in fact the less I try to control things and just let it all be the more at ease and healthier I feel. After all each experience you have brought to yourself by a thought or a belief pattern. Each of these experiences can be changed by how you react to them. Treat these seeming mishaps and discord as a reminder something needs attention. Go within ask what its here to teach you then make the changes you need to.

If we do not pay attention to the negative thoughts and relieve the stress in our selves it can not only cause mishaps and negative events, it can also create dis-ease within the body : colds, bugs, bruises, broken bones all of these things can be avoided if we can change our thoughts and eliminate all stress from our life. If I could recommend a book every person should own it would be 'How to heal your life' by Louise Hay. It has every single problem with the body, what the emotional cause is and the affirmation you can use to heal yourself. For example the emotional issue behind a cold is :

Too much going on at once. mental confusion, disorder. Small hurts ' I get three colds every winter' type of belief.

And the affirmation is :

I allow my mind to relax and be at peace. Clarity and harmony are within me and around me. All is well.

I cannot recommend this book enough to you all it really opens your eyes to what goes on in your body and how you can indeed heal yourself. This and her book 'The Power is Within You' are both worth the investment.

Our Minds are powerful machines' like the most intelligent computers storing billions upon millions of data. Every single experience we have had, every single remark that has been said to us is all swimming around inside our head. What we need to do is start sorting through it all. When we hear a negative quip we just ask some simple questions:

How old am I? (this tells us at what age we had this experience)
Where am I? (this tells us the place of the event that lead to the negative quip)
What happened? (lets you know details of said event)
Whose voice is this? (this let you know who said this negative thing to you.)

optional:

What can I learn from this?/What can you teach me? (this can be asked if you feel something is repeating and you need to get to the bottom of it)

Once you know all these things you can begin to change your thinking. It's like seeing a mouse that's been telling you all this time it was a Lion and would eat you and now you actually see it for what it really is - a mouse. It's all illusion. Smoke and Mirrors. You see the truth and then you no longer need to believe in that quip. Thus begins the change of thinking. Every time you dismantle a negative quip put a positive in its place. See the scene played out with this new positive thought/belief there instead. It helps that part of you to grow up believing in this wonderful thing and so it grows stronger. So the next time that same negative quip comes up you just see it for what it is - Illusion and you no longer give it any importance.

We never stop learning and letting go. There is no magic wand that you can waive to make it all immediately fall into place. It's a process and you just gotta keep unravelling the knots and layers, like an epic game of pass the parcel, unwrapping each layer till you reach the gift inside. You.

I'd like to share with you all the story of The Tortoise and the Hare by Aesop :

The Tortoise and the Hare
Posted on Jul 2, 1997
One of Aesop’s Fables
Illustrated by Arthur Rackham

Once upon a time there was a hare who, boasting how he could run faster than anyone else, was forever teasing tortoise for its slowness. Then one day, the irate tortoise answered back: “Who do you think you are? There’s no denying you’re swift, but even you can be beaten!” The hare squealed with laughter.

“Beaten in a race? By whom? Not you, surely! I bet there’s nobody in the world that can win against me, I’m so speedy. Now, why don’t you try?”

Annoyed by such bragging, the tortoise accepted the challenge. A course was planned, and the next day at dawn they stood at the starting line. The hare yawned sleepily as the meek tortoise trudged slowly off. When the hare saw how painfully slow his rival was, he decided, half asleep on his feet, to have a quick nap. “Take your time!” he said. “I’ll have forty winks and catch up with you in a minute.”

The hare woke with a start from a fitful sleep and gazed round, looking for the tortoise. But the creature was only a short distance away, having barely covered a third of the course. Breathing a sigh of relief, the hare decided he might as well have breakfast too, and off he went to munch some cabbages he had noticed in a nearby field. But the heavy meal and the hot sun made his eyelids droop. With a careless glance at the tortoise, now halfway along the course, he decided to have another snooze before flashing past the winning post. And smiling at the thought of the look on the tortoise’s face when it saw the hare speed by, he fell fast asleep and was soon snoring happily. The sun started to sink, below the horizon, and the tortoise, who had been plodding towards the winning post since morning, was scarcely a yard from the finish. At that very point, the hare woke with a jolt. He could see the tortoise a speck in the distance and away he dashed. He leapt and bounded at a great rate, his tongue lolling, and gasping for breath. Just a little more and he’d be first at the finish. But the hare’s last leap was just too late, for the tortoise had beaten him to the winning post. Poor hare! Tired and in disgrace, he slumped down beside the tortoise who was silently smiling at him.

“Slowly does it every time!” he said.

The moral of the story is that if we just take our moments one at a time, our baby steps each day we will get to wherever it is we wish to be. 'Rome wasn't built in a day' we cannot go from A to Z we have to stop at each letter, and sometimes we spend a while there til we have learnt all we need to learn from that letter then on to the next one. The hare is in a constant state of flux. He is not there in the moment just thinking of how he can 'win'. What he did not realise is there are no 'losers' we are all destined for that goal post, that's just fact what is for you will never go past you and you will be where it is you desire to be. Just enjoy the journey, take your time. There is no rush. We each have our own pace in which we stride through life. Be the tortoise. Go at your own pace. 'slowly does it every time'

And next time you are having a stressful time just stop, breathe and enjoy the presence of you.

It's rare I ever get in advance what I will be writing. Usually something happens and then the blog forms. I hear that my next topic will be on 'Giving and Receiving' so I look forward to all the inspirations that will form the next blog for you all. : )

love and light

Mandy

To be or not to be - Dreams, Passion and Imagination

Hello Everyone : )

I was asked shortly after the last blog came out to write about my acting (thank you dear Saskia for this, you are an Earth Angel) It had me really fighting, fearful and blocked. I have been so afraid to explore this very big part of me. The amount of times I sat here at this computer writing then stopping and leaving it then coming back and writing a bit more. I have not yet experienced this when writing the blog it has just flowed before, so easy. This time though I was asked to not just talk about my creativity but essentially about me. And as you know from the previous blogs I don't really like talking about me. Remember the question 'so tell me about you?' yeah well I get stuck and clam up, all eyes on me, not good,. Panic. Aaaarrggh!! So it has been a journey in itself to get these words on this page : )

This is going to be a long one so buckle in lol! : )

I had originally begun this blog with a quote from Shakespeare but I will leave that till later. I have chosen to begin this dialogue with a quote by Nelson Mandela:

" Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light not our Darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be Brilliant, Gorgeous, Talented, Fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing Enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. You are born to make Manifest the Glory of God that is within you. It's not just in some of us. It's in everyone. And as we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are Liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically Liberates others."

These words hold such powerful truth for me as they may hold for many of you. I have been so afraid of my light for 20 years or so. I mean when I came out the womb I was happy, I have seen pictures of me as a small child and there is life in me, in my eyes, they shone with such magic and wonder. Like little glitter balls spinning to some amazing inner song. I was my authentic self, no imitations or limitations. Complete freedom of expression to be who and what I am.

Then on my first day of Nursery school I was punched in the face by this little boy called Myron. I do not know why this happened. I was just a small child, innocent. Well things went downhill from there. I was bullied very badly throughout my schooling. The only solace I found was Acting. I auditioned for all the plays from the infants and up and got parts (often the lead) I didn't think anything of it. I just knew that I was good at it, I enjoyed it and when I was on stage I felt invincible, like no one could hurt me. All those children who would make my life a living hell didn't touch me there. On stage I was home, I belonged and that's all that mattered.

It's funny I don't remember any of my childhood. The bullying was so bad I blocked it all out. I do remember holding on to the sheets so tight as my mum came in to get me ready for school. I remember screaming and crying and gripping at the covers as my mum ripped them from me, knowing if I went in to that place I wouldn't be safe. I remember being kicked between the legs by a boy called Alex. I remember two boys Yehuda and David were especially nasty. I was scared of them. I remember my mum taking me into school only to take me back home as I said I had a stomach ache and cried. I remember this one teacher Mr Magraff who I hated he was a very mean nasty man who yelled at me in front of everyone for no reason. But all the horrors of being in this hell I lived melted away when I was on stage. I was safe. Then when I was in junior school I got my first taste of Panic attacks. I got one on stage, nearly passed out and all the parents were talking and pointing and all the voices. My safe place wasn't safe anymore. They found a way to reach me there too. I was bullied throughout my entire early and young adult life. Secondary school I got chased into the toilets and hid in a cubicle whilst these five girls leaned either side, their heads looking down on me, they shook the sides of the cubicle and shouted abuse while I cried. The fear was so intense. Then college the first year was awful, this time it was my taste in music that offended people. The second year course I did was better I had people who stuck up for me. Even at work I got bullied by bosses. To have experienced that level of abuse for so many years was life shattering.

I never thought I had the right to exist that's how profound the experience left me. I suffocated myself my life with negative thoughts and little punishments as I believed I did not have the right to exist in this world. My light was harmful to others so I snuffed it out and it was dark and I was frightened and alone. I built a fortress around myself to separate myself from the infinite love as I made myself unworthy. So my spark that pure brilliant fire became nothing more than coal my ability to create died. I died. so I spent my life walking around hollow empty. Void of colour.

I still loved to Act and I blossomed in college, took a while. I got my acting legs back : ) I began to come alive again on stage. My panic attacks eventually went. I had gotten these drops from this Homeopathic practitioner which stopped them. It was such a relief. But there was still something missing in it all. The light was not there in my eyes, those glitter balls spinning were just vacant black holes.
Then my Grandma died. She had battled cancer and it had taken her. It broke my world as she was my protector, my guardian. My grandma would always make me feel special and believed in me. When she died it's as if the last shred of light got snuffed out. It was now not dark but pitch black. I did not handle it well and I ceased being. Like I just put the lid on my light and buried it under concrete and layers of crap. I was not alive anymore. Dead woman walking. I became a 'Customer Service Person' I 'wanted' to be an actress. I 'was' 'customer service'. I lost my identity completely. It was gone before my Grandma passed but she reflected the last bit of light in me, without her I couldn't see it. I was lost.

It was 2005 - 4 years after my grandma died when a true blessing, a Miracle from God occurred. I’d heard about Jensen Ackles new TV show ‘Supernatural’ he is such a wonderful actor and I loved him in 'Dark Angel. I downloaded the pilot and sat at my computer to watch it. Suddenly from nowhere this overwhelming feeling of ‘I want to do that’ came up. I was so excited and felt that passion rise up in me that had been dead for such a long time. From that moment I found my love for acting again. It reminded me why I do what I do and keep going. ‘Supernatural’ has also been a great means of escape. Whenever I feel down I just pop on an episode and it lifts me up. I love the fact that Eric Kripke got the balance right. You have great writing, acting, directing it's all just amazing. It is a dream of mine to act on the show I’d love to be able to give back what the show has given me and maybe inspire some people with a character I play and be part of that universe. I do have a lot to thank everyone for. It’s weird as I doubt any of them realise how things affect people. I would love to shake Eric’s hand and say ‘Thank you’ to him for making me inspired again.

That show flipped the lights back on for me. So I began to see myself as an actress again. It's been 5 years of watching that show, and building up my foundations. But it has taken me 20 odd years to get to a place of peace and awareness of the light that is me. Even now as I write I am still letting go of old patterns. As you all know I am at the Jobcentre at the moment. It has been very painful lately. I am being sent to this place to 'help me find work' I am scared as I am an actress, writer and Healer, that's not scary, but what is is that I worry they will not support and I have felt like there are hands pulling me down, keeping me in the old. I say 'ENOUGH' and I know I am going to speak up.

This is why I wrote these blogs - to Speak up, speak out, find my voice and spread the love and light. Right now I have to say the biggest fear I have is being forced back to 'Customer Services' to the disguise I made myself into. I AM NOT HER ANYMORE. This I know. So I choose to take what I have been learning and do my affirmations, talk to my friends, be honest and authentic, loving and open to the highest good there is.

Also there is something you should all know - DON'T BE AFRAID TO FEEL YOUR FEELINGS. Whatever they are - born of love or born of fear. Feel them. They're yours. They are lessons. They are gifts. Express them. Release them. It's ok to feel. You can let yourself feel the anger and not punch someone. You can feel the hate and not cause another nor yourself any harm. Just be. Be with whatever is there. Be the observer. Be aware of all that you feel. Notice the anger but also notice the peace and stillness. Notice the anxiety but also notice the excitement and joy. Notice the fear but also notice the love. You are so many things, each one of you, be them all but choose wisely. If you do not like what you experience then choose something that feels better. That's the beauty - you choose. You don't have to suffer anymore, you can choose to let it go and welcome Joy. That is exactly what is happening to me right now. This cycle of suffering I have been on for the last 20 odd years has now reached its end and the new cycle of Joy has begun. In this transition stage, the great changes feel more then I can understand but I know this wave of change is bringing me freedom. Though I feel such fear I also feel the boundless love. For every negative emotion I feel a positive. I am almost home. Where my light is free to just be. I choose to celebrate this change.

I wish to share with you two things: First is a beautiful poem written by my dear friend Mark. He kindly has allowed me to share his words with you. I feel there is a deep message here about the paths we walk and how we can walk a different path if we choose.:

OUR JOURNEY　

THIS PATH I TREAD LEADS ME AGAIN TO DISTANT LANDS THAT HOLD NO FAVOUR WITH ME
RUTTED AND STEEP THE JOURNEY DEMANDS ALL OF MY STRENGTH, BUT RETURNS LITTLE COMFORT OR HOPE FOR MY SALVATION.

YET AS I SEEK A GLIMPSE OF RADIANT LIGHT FROM THAT DULL DECEPTIVE HORIZON, WHISPERS ENTER MY BEING LIKE A COLD BREEZE STOPPING ME IN MY TRACKS, FORCING ME TO STAND STILL AND LISTEN TO SOME ANCIENT THOUGHT JABBING AT MY MIND WITHOUT RELENTING UNTIL WITHOUT WARNING IT DRIFTS AWAY LEAVING NOTHING BUT A HUNGER THAT DRIVES ME ON ONCE AGAIN.

ETERNITY WAS NEVER MEANT TO TORTURE MY STEPS BUT HERE I WALK PAIN UPON PAIN , WAITING FOR A REASON TO STOP AND LAY DOWN, EVER KNOWING MY SOLITUDE WAS OF MY OWN DESIGN, EVER KNOWING THE SEEDS SEWN WOULD BE HARVESTED AND FED TO ME ON A PLATTER OF SUCH GUILT THAT MY OWN SOUL RAN FROM ME IN DESPAIR.

TO SEEK MY JOURNEYS END I MUST LOOK BACK UPON THAT PATH LONG WALKED, SEE WITH EYES OF LOVE AND COMPASSION AND TRUST WITHOUT HESITATION MY NEW DESTINATION, AND WITH MY HUNGER FED I STRIDE FORTH TO REJOIN WITH MY SOUL AT MY JOURNEYS END.

By Mark Miller

The second, in the theme of the paths we choose and Journeying home, is this song I wrote a while ago called 'Heart Speak' it's message is simple : say what's in your heart even if it isn't nice and clean. Speak your truth. It will set you free.:

Heart Speak

I try to shake away the dust
all these shadows fall from me
underneath all there is is light
blank canvas crystal clean

Danced upon these broken shells
felt the cuts in my feet
never meant to hurt myself
all the bruises the terror screams

Chorus
and if I whisper loud enough
will the world hear what I have to say?
and if I lie down in the road
will people just keep on walking over me?
and if I said what's in my heart
even if it wasn't nice and clean?
though I mean not to hurt anyone
will they still stay away from me?


I try to lick away the dirt
all the dead skin falls like snow
underneath all is raw and red
brand new rainbow soul

Danced upon these burning coals
felt the fire scold my feet
never meant to stay so long
all the mistakes the blistered dreams

Chorus

Danced upon golden sands
felt the love between my toes
never dreamed I'd have to leave
that's just how the story goes

I feel like I've lost my best friend
I feel like I am not good for anyone
people seem to be dropping like flies
moving on, moving on, moving on
what have I done?

Chorus
and if I give you enough
will you want to come back in?
and if I left here today
would you even notice?
and if I said what's in my heart
even if it wasn't nice and clean?
though I mean you no harm
would you really hear me?
and if I whisper loud enough
will the world hear what I have to say?
and if I lie down in the road
will people just keep on walking over me?
and if I said what's in my heart
even if it wasn't nice and clean?
though I mean not to hurt anyone
will they still stay away from me?

I try to shake away the dust
I try to stop the bleeding
I try to open up my heart
I try to accept the healing
I try to lick away the dead skin
I try to let the guilt go
I try to let you in
I try to find my way home

Open your heart Dear Ones and hear the song of your soul. Each of you has the power to be who you were born to be and who you choose to be.

The late great William Shakespeare was full of spiritual wisdom. He littered his plays with it. "To be or not to be, that is the question" Shakespeare's wisest most profound words if you ask me. and " All the world is a stage, the men and women merely players" Shakespeare showed us the importance of play - the world is our play ground. So what did you wish to be when you were children? what have you chosen to be now? does it differ from that of your dear child? Or is it the same just more of it? is there anything would like to choose different?

I always knew acting was for me. Being creative and spiritual. I always knew that love was where I felt truly home. Inspiring people, reaching out to touch an audience's soul. What a gift! I saw 'Hair' (it's a musical about hippies and the Vietnam war) in the west end and at the end they invited the audience on stage to dance and sing with the cast. I was terrified but I got up there and as I danced and sang I looked out at the audience and around at the audience members and cast members around me and I had this moment of awareness , I could feel the love and how each person, myself included, was being moved by these actors, and I knew that this is who I am meant to be-choose to be, spreading the love and light to the world through my creative/spiritual gifts and talents.

Most people don't dare to dream as big as the universe and as wide as they can. I dream that big. I dream about acting on 'Supernatural' on 'Dr who', with Jonny Depp and Meryl Streep. I dream about the kind of roles I'll play - getting to do an action movie where I get to do martial arts use weapons , do wirework and basically kick arse. Doing a comedy with Jim Carey and Steve Carrell, maybe an action with Matt Damon and a period drama with James McAvoy and Judi Dench. The list and dreams go on and get bigger and bigger. I believe that it is possible. I believe you can never dream 'too big' So I invite you all to rediscover your dreams and passions and breathe life into any area in your life that feels flat. Go blow bubbles, go dance around your living room, go to the park and feed the ducks, go take part in an open mic night, do that art class, that acting class, take photos of your world, bake cupcakes and cookies with faces on, sing out loud, enter your poems or stories into that competition, take those risks, travel to places that excite you and amaze you. Be the magic, the life, the love, the light. Do whatever moves your spirit and makes you feel alive and whole. Be your authentic self and never let anyone place chains upon you. Believe me, I know what those chains can do. And if you are in chains break free, reclaim your power from the places you gave it to. It may be a painful journey and you may feel like giving up but don't. DON'T GIVE UP. EVER. You are all so beautiful, so dazzling and loved. Be like the stars in the night sky, shine your love and light as bright and as big as you can. That's how we see the stars from where they are, coz they don't need to be fearful nor worried to shine their brightest. They just shine.

I would like to share with you this final quote - this time from David Ackert. an actor.

" Actors are some of the most driven, courageous people on the face of the earth. They deal with more day-to-day rejection in one year than most people do in a lifetime. Every day, actors face the financial challenge of living a freelance lifestyle, the disrespect of people who think they should get 'real' jobs, and their own fear that they'll never work again. Each day they have to ignore the possibility that the vision to which they have dedicated their lives is a pipe dream. With every passing year, many of them watch as the other people their age achieve the predictable milestones of normal life - the car, the family, the house, the nest egg.
But they stay true to their dream, in spite of sacrifices. Why? Because actors are willing to give their entire lives to a moment - to that line, that laugh, that gesture, or that interpretation that will stir the audience's soul. Actors are beings who have tasted life's nectar in that crystal moment when they poured out their creative spirit and touched another's heart. In that instant, they were as close to magic, God, and perfection as anyone could ever be. And in their own hearts, they know that to dedicate oneself to that moment is worth a thousand lifetimes"

Amen to that. I am happy to say I am one of them - The Actors. I have chosen to dedicate my life to being creative and stirring the audiences soul. It is who I choose to be. I have the right to exist now as the creative being I am. I am not afraid of my truth. To be authentic with you all. It is a liberation. I thank you for sticking with me it's been a long one huh. I thank you for your support, your love and your wisdom. You are each a gift you give to all those who you come into contact with. I am humbled by the gifts you have given me.

Now its time to wish you well on your journey. Here is a link to a very inspirational song by Brandon Heath called 'Love never fails':

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8nQy-aP_Koo

Live.Laugh.Love.Celebrate.Forgive.Accept.Be

Just BE.

Love and light

Mandy

Love and Fear

Love. We all want it. We all feel it. It's a lot of things. It's your parents, siblings, your family (whether you get on or you don't they still love you. Just gets buried sometimes under fear.) it's friendships, meeting up then getting home only to call each other and talk for a few more hours, it's sharing inside jokes, it's finding what you want to do for the rest of your life, what gets you out of bed in the mornings, it's staring into the eyes of your twin flame - matching mirrors, your true companion and partner, it's holding your baby in your arms, it's where we were all born from and where we'll all eventually return someday.

I've not been lucky with the romantic love. I have met the who's who of human crap. Truth is I do not understand the etiquette of 'Relationship'. Sadly it's just something I have not experienced. Oh I dated (one guy) I fell in love (another guy) I liked a whole lot of other guys, It's just none of them could ever actually go there. Maybe I'm not attractive enough? Maybe I'm not thin enough? Maybe I'm not good enough? What's wrong with me that I must be that unlovable? Truth is nothing's wrong. I've just been unfortunate to not have met the right people.

There's this misconception that floats around that if you get to a certain age and you haven't kissed someone, dated X amount of people, lost your virginity there's something wrong with you. Oh no one will ever say anything but you get 'the look' and the off-hand comment, a silence. Whatever it may be you get the impression there's something wrong with you. . I saw an interview with Matt Smith and Karen Gillan where she had said her first kiss was at 15 to which Matt Smith replied that it was late. My first kiss was at 19. It wasn't what I thought. He was no gentleman. I mean is there really some hand book out there saying you are supposed to have had so-so experience at a certain age? Coz if there is I would love to see it! I think it's crap and it doesn't matter what age you may be it will happen when it is the right time for you. I mean look at Lisa Kudrow- Phoebe from Friends - she lost her virginity to her husband at 31. It's not as big a deal as we all like to make it out to be. We put far too much pressure upon ourselves and other people. We give love conditionally. We feel the hurt and pain if that love is not returned. If we just realised that we are all made of love, we are each a piece of God, walking around, connecting to people, sharing and experiencing this great journey we call life together. Its then we realise that to simply be love we attract love, by loving without condition we open our hearts to a much richer and deeper experience. Next time you feel angry or are met with a situation where a person is being unpleasant just stop, breathe and say

" I love you, I forgive you, I respect you, all is well."

It's pretty powerful as you are not just saying this to that person but to your own self. Also a wonderful thing to say is "Love, always love" William Roach wrote this in his autobiography 'Soul on the street' . It is a quick reminder to be loving.
Then we have Fear. It's that prickling uncertainty that walks down your spine, its your stomach in knots, your heart in your throat, it's seeing that shadow move in the corner of your eye, its the monster under the bed, the spider in the bathroom, its all the bumps and moans in the night. Its the ego and lower self telling you scary stories. Fear knows the past it does not know the present or future so when you experience something it will go to the past, find a similar experience and say

' there. this will happen'

It's like a record stuck on a loop, it's just the diminuendo's whereas Love is actual music, it's the crescendo's, it's exciting and each experience is new and fresh. Although you may experience the diminuendo's they are barely noticed as you are lifted by the music and the joy of following life's song. Each of us has our own music to which we dance through life, its a matter of closing your eyes, stilling yourself and listening......quiet.......still.......don't try too hard............there. Can you hear it? that is your song, your pace that you move through life. If you follow your own rhythm you can never go wrong. : )
The path of Fear is this plain dusty road, flat and all the same, it's not scary just familiar. But the path of love is resplendent, beautiful, lush with vegetation, waterfalls and forests, it's exciting and there's animals, magic. Yet there can be fear there, fear of the unknown. It's best to gradually build up the path of love. Maybe add a tree to the dusty path, see the road become pathed in gold or rainbows, see a butterfly flutter by. Anything. It's your path. That's the best bit, you get to choose.

I want to share this experience with you all that I had yesterday. I had been having so much doubt about my acting, the kind that made me feel crippled by insecurity. It came about by my thinking: thinking I was not doing enough, thinking about other people's expectations and what they wanted from me, thinking about not auditioning in a very long time, thinking about not having an agent, thinking about everything apart from what really matters: my love for performing, for play.
So I went to the park and held the question 'what does it mean to truly commit to my acting?' in my mind. I first saw two trees sharing one trunk, then I saw three trees sharing one trunk and heard how it represents the things I do: acting, writing, healing/readings. Then I saw one tree big and strong when I looked up it had these thick branches reaching up like a hand to the sky, covered in leaves and I felt empowered seeing this tree reaching for all its dreams. I heard how you have a strong base/foundation you do not separate yourself you know that you are a healer and your chosen vessel for healing is acting, writing and reiki/readings. They are branches of the same tree. I also realized that I am thinking too much about what other people want, what they expect and think of me. I was going to apply for jobs I know don't feel right out of fear and to please others. I asked myself what I want, what my desires are and I listed off so many things: freedom, love, empowerment, meaning, acting, being creative, life, colour, magic etc etc I kept going. I felt lifted as I realized I need to know its ok to want things and have desires even if there are people that don't understand it, even if I feel I just need a quick solution to a problem, I don't have to do something that feels wrong. The angels are listening and I guess I just need to start asking and expecting the help (bearing in mind not to control how it may come) .

Every positive emotion is born of Love and every negative emotion is born of Fear.

I spend the majority of my time either in a radiant state of love or the depths of fear based feelings. Right now I'm coming up to 29 years old, I live with my parents, I have no job, I sign on at the job centre and I am an actress, which, lets face it doesn't exactly breed security and I doubt and question my choice of career (even though I often say Acting chose me as I quit twice and it kept coming back like a bloody boomerang) I flap more times than a bird in flight, scream into pillows (god bless Louise Hay) to let out the frustration. And I don't breathe. Seriously, when I get in a flap and stress I stop breathing! Don't ask me how I'm still alive I couldn't tell you! : )

I have to remind myself to stop and take a Happy Breath in (I love that 'Happy Breath' got that little gem from Danielle Allen who taught me voice production at city lit)

I love to inject humour in what I write as let's face it life is funny! Life is like one giant fart - no stay with me - it's funny yet it can stink and sometimes you get crap! Sorry was that too far?...Wait....come back!

In the end its up to us which path we choose is it Love? or is it Fear?

I know I choose Love.

Which one do you?

Till next time my friends, Keep laughing at life and loving every moment!

Mandy

PS: Feel free to share experiences and let me know if there are any particular areas you would like covered.

Welcome!

Welcome Everyone to 'Blogs From The Other Side'!

Now I am not expecting everyone to understand my analogies nor read all I write. I just got an idea sparked by my mum (to write a blog) which in turn was sparked by my inner voice with the name ('Blogs From The Other Side') sparked by me sat on this train writing what you read now.
I suppose this is My Voice, my platform to Speak Out, Speak Up for all the things we each have/will/are experiencing in the hope of shining some light upon all the cobwebs and hidden places. Maybe I may learn some surprising truths about myself while writing this. Who knows!
All I know for certain is I am just like you. I've felt fear, pain, insecure, I've been to places I never thought I'd come back from. But here I am. I'm still here. I got through (and am still getting through) all the crap. So can you.

We all come into this world as pristine Diamonds. The highest cut. The cleanest cut. We are pure, exquisite jewels. But over time, the Diamond gets chipped (so-so says I'm fat and ugly etc)and soon your Diamond is unrecognisable from all the chips and dents, it loses its sparkle and cleanness. Instead of exquisite it's like some tacky piece of costume jewellery. It can be whatever it needs to 'fit in' losing its true nature of love and light.

I lost my Diamond so long ago. For many years I've been whatever anyone wanted me to be : The people Pleaser, The Yes Sir No Sir, The Unloved, The Joker, you name it I have been it. And each time that Diamond shone I covered it over with a negative thought. Coz I believed what was inside the Diamond was so bad that no one could ever see it. They'd recoil in horror, none of you would want to know me anymore. Crazy right? It's just Me in there - shiny, authentic, passionate, loving, funny Me.(and I know my dear friends you are the ones that actually show me my Diamond on many many occasions and I thank each and every one of you with a zillion hugs and kisses wrapped up in a shower of love), but I got so many chips and dents my Diamond got smaller and smaller. It can happen. The lights go out and you're just some empty home. It's taken me so long but I don't feel as empty now. There's just this one piece, this one room, like a hole in me. Becky Walsh, this incredible teacher I had at The College of Psychic Studies told me that this hole we all think we have, this hole we fill with food, alcohol, drugs any addiction or negative habit isn't a hole at all but a mirror. This mirror is facing dull side up and so it appears hole-like but if we flip it to the shiny side 'oop there you go, it's you your beautiful light! My mirror must be on some kinda bungee it pings and pongs back and forth so much! - Dull side, light side, dull, light, dull, light......on and on and on. its like some bloody fairground rollercoaster ride!

To help me keep it shiny side up I constantly remind myself I am loved. A really powerful affirmation my very good friend Jesse gave me :

'I deeply and completely Love, Accept and Approve of Myself'

it works, it really truly does. My other fave affirmations are 'My creativity helps heal myself and others' and 'it's safe for me to give and receive love'. Each of them work so well for me.

Now my writing won't always be eloquent. I may ramble and go off somewhere where you may find it hard to follow, It's ok. That's just me. I ramble. I go off on a million different journeys from one thought. Don't worry about it. I don't. I'm also passionate about my acting I love everything about the industry from props to costume, set to Directors the whole thing gets all my cells dancing and sparking like fireworks! I am spiritual I'm psychic and a healer I talk to the angels and my guides, I believe in unicorns and faeries, I love nature give me the sea or a lovely Forrest : ) I am sarcastic and have a very eclectic sense of humour (I don't care what you say Farts are funny!) I love animals and yes I do prefer them to people : ) I am many things as are each of you.

If you feel like it stick with me through these ramblings. Who knows you may learn something not only about me but about yourself. Feel free to link this to people you may know who you feel it could inspire.

I admit to you all it scares the crap outta me to post this as the part of me that got chipped and dented feels uncomfortable talking about myself and doesn't like all eyes on me. Hate that question 'so tell me about you' it always makes me stumped as I am like 'ooh who am I?' Truth is I don't know for sure but am figuring it all out : )

Till next time my friends,